I wonder if Stoneground managed to split?

Hammer Horror Movie Posters That Make Dracula Look Constipated #5 - Scars of Dracula

Hammer Horror Movie Posters That Make Dracula Look Constipated #4 - Dracula Has Risen From The Grave

TWINS OF EVIL (1971)

Day #232

Upon returning to my igloo after a fishing expedition I notice a small object lying outside the igloo. It looks familiar...

Ye gods! It's a lump of flesh!

Ye gods again! It's a nose! A human nose!

Gingerly, I quickly pick it up and throw it as far away as I can. Thankfully it disappears for good down a nearby crevasse(I must get that fixed).

I enter the igloo and look around carefully. Nothing else has been moved. Yet someone is toying with me surely? Someone is following me, leaving me macabre clues... a human nose!? What twisted mind could conceive of such sport?

The mystery becomes clearer when I look in the mirror and notice that my severely frostbitten nose is no longer there. It must have fallen off. Outside somewhere.

"Bollocks." I mutter.


TWINS OF EVIL (1971)

Twins of Evil is a fabulously bloody & bawdy Hammer romp that rather bravely shies away from a simple tale of ‘good versus evil’ and instead manages to create complex characters that perhaps contain shades of both.

Made in 1971, only a year or so after nudity was invented, it’s the third and final instalment of the fairly loose Karnstein trilogy (after The Vampire Lovers and Lust for the Vampire, both from 1970), and it’s simply a fabulous Hammer offering in its own right.

The Twins, Frieda and Maria, are played by Playboy Playmate twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson (who thank god are over the age of consent).

We first see them as they come to stay with their Aunt Katy & Uncle Gustav. It soon becomes clear that rather being Twins of Evil, we have a good twin and a naughty twin. Which would obviously have been a much weaker title, so Twins of Evil it is.

Peter Cushing is in top form as Uncle Gustav - a ruthless Witchfinder General type who leads his religious followers ‘The Brotherhood’ on regular witch-hunts that invariably end with a nubile, innocent, young wench being burned at the stake. We’re also treated to a formidable looking vampire with great hair in Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas).

The clever plot moves along at a rip-roaring pace as blood-drained bodies start to turn up all over the countryside and The Brotherhood roam around unchecked, burning any innocent maiden that takes their fancy, yet rather shamefully being reluctant to visit Castle Karnstein, the real source of evil!

In the meantime, naughty twin Frieda catches the eye of both Count Karnstein AND the resident hero Anton. Where will all this lead to? Will the fact that they’re identical twins lead to any confusion and mistaken identity? You wouldn’t bet it against it would you?

There’s just time for some sexy topless vampire shenanigans before we get to the tremendously bloody final battle at Catle Karnstein.

And I mean bloody. Count Karnstein and his huge henchman aren't in the mood to go quietly, and swords are brandished and axes thrown with a devil-may-care recklessness that just wouldn't be allowed in todays more Health & Safety conscious age. Gallons of bright red Hammer blood is spilled and we get some shockingly graphic deaths - one in particular that comes as a bit of a surprise.

So - one of the best Hammer finales ever, surely? And a fitting end to the Karnstein legacy...

DRACULA: PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1966)

Day #210

Near disaster today! Whilst struggling to pull a fish from my favourite ice-hole, I stumble and accidentally discharge my hunting rifle. The shot cracks the ice and I plunge into the murky abyss!

My life flashes before my eyes... the murders, the sadism, the treachery... ah, good times...

Then I see a bright light and feel myself being pulled towards it... pulled... towards the light, or out of the hole? Because the next thing I remember I am on the ice, struggling for breath... are there voices?

I recall a shadowy figure kneeling beside me and whispering: "If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the Earth."

Then I feel a blow to my head. I wake up hours later in the Igloo, wrapped warmly in a blanket I've never seen before...

My God, what a day! I could - and possible should - have died under that ice! I can't bear to think of it. I need a stiff brandy, and to watch something that will take my mind off the whole unfortunate episode...

DRACULA: PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1966)

Alan Kent is one of four unsuspecting tourists who find themselves in a seemingly deserted Castle Dracula. His wife Helen has a strong sense of foreboding but her protestations are given short thrift: “You’ll forget about all this in the morning, you’ll see,” Alan assures her. She simply replies: “There’ll be no morning for us.”

This line chilled my spine when I first saw this movie as an 8-year old. Barbara Shelley’s fatalistic delivery of it is impeccable – she states it not as a prediction, but as a certainty. And she is now resigned to her fate, having tried and failed to warn anyone else of the danger. It’s one of the finest lines in horror movie history in my opinion. Only "Death by stereo" comes anywhere close.

The Hammer Draculas were the young Igloo Keeper’s first horror love, and they remain firm favourites . Having said that, I can’t help but think that it's a flawed series, and although I’d rather watch 'Dracula: Prince of Darkness' more than almost any other film, it could have been so much better:

For example, where’s Peter Cushing? No sign of him here. Any Dracula film without Cushing v Lee, Van Helsing v Dracula is missing something very special indeed. Mind you, even when the two do appear together, it always seems that their screen-time together is too brief. I want to see them verbally spar with one another. I want to see them sit down for a meal together, being outwardly polite, but promising to end one another's time on this Earth if it's the last thing they do, by thunder!. That sort of thing. But for some reason it never happened, perhaps because of my next point...

Another huge flaw throughout the series is Dracula’s dialogue. Or lack of it. For some reason, he’s struck dumb in 'Dracula: Prince of Darkness'. In the other films he fares not much better, usually being restricted to a couple of lines near the end of the film which generally follows this sequence:

a) Dracula quickly boasts about how omnipotent, wonderful and unstoppable he is.
b) He then throws something at Van Helsing that misses by a mile.
c) And dies either stupidly (by falling into a shallow pit of stakes: ‘Dracula 1972 A.D’), or unluckily (being hit by lightning: ‘Scars of Dracula).

I’ve heard that Lee himself felt exactly the same way about his piss-poor dialogue and tried unsuccessfully to get the film-makers to use some suitably portentous lines from the original Stoker novel. But 'twas not to be.

Back in Dracula’s castle the count is resurrected by the blood of a hapless Alan Kent, in another wonderful scene where the evil henchman Clove hoists him above a coffin and slits his wrists. The casual, workmanlike way that he does this still packs a punch (it chills my spine in fact, but I already used that phrase in the first paragraph). Blood flows and Dracula is back!

Barbara Shelley is his first victim. Now, I’m fully aware that vampirism has laid scourge to many a Carpathian countryside, and becoming a vampire is not generally a good thing but wow – Barbara Shelley looks good on it! She transform from a frumpy old misery into a hot, Hot, HOT Uber-sexy MILF vampire. She could tap at my window any time. If my igloo had windows…

Thankfully the remainder of the group, Charles and Diana Kent, manage to escape and enlist the help of a no-nonsense rifle-toting priest, Father Quatermass.

This time, Dracula finds himself treading on thin ice – literally. His death is probably a 50/50 split between bad luck and stupidity, as the priests shoots holes in some ice that Dracula has somehow found himself on. A few skillful shots later, Dracula topples into a watery grave.

Ha! Let’s see him get out of that one! What monster has ever managed to escape from being preserved in ice before? (see ‘Dracula has Risen from the Grave for further details…)

DR JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971)

Day #343

Sartre once said "Hell is other people" but obviously the beady-eyed existentialist twat had never spent 343 - or whatever it's been - days in a bloody freezing cold igloo. In an arctic wasteland. In a force-field.

I yearn for some company with all my soul. Someone real. Someone human. For all I have is the ghosts who haunt my dreams. The ghosts of those I have slain. Of those I have hurt. Of those who I've wronged. And of those who I wanted to wrong but didn't get round to wronging.

In the name of God, how long will this cursed solitude last???

DR JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971)



With a title – and a premise – straight out of a Two Ronnies Christmas Special ( Ronnie Corbett would play Dr Jekyll. Ronny Barker would be the hapless detective. Sister Hyde would be… Kate O’ Meara probably)

thank God we’ve got the wonderful Ralph Bates to make this shit sound plausible. In my opinion he’s on a par with Peter Cushing at being utterly, utterly convincing even when spouting the most ludicrous gobbledegook and bamboozling mumbo-jumbo.

Wonderful wonderful actor, Ralph Bates. What a striking looking chap – black, black, hair. Black, black eyes. Black, black… clothes as well usually. And features so sharp they’d cut your throat. Although he appeared in a mere handful of Hammer Horrors he shone and oozed class in every one - his Baron Frankenstein is a wonderful sociopath, and he died far too soon in ‘Taste the Blood of Dracula’ for my liking.

He died far too soon for my liking in real life as well, succumbing to cancer in 1981, at only 51 years of age. Robbing us of many wonderful performances…

Dr Jekyll and sister Hyde then. Ronnie Corbett, sorry, Ralph Bates plays Dr Jekyll, a gaunt young chap who spends way too much time in his laboratory doing all sorts of weird and wonderful experiments - searching for the elixir of life, no less.

So intent is he on his research that he fails to notice he has won the heart of the attractive young lady who lives upstairs for him. Actually, she’s fairly annoying so maybe he just doesn’t give a toss.

Back to his lab we go, and exciting news! He’s done it – he’s found the secret of everlasting life! Only one slight catch, something hardly worth bothering about surely, not even worth mentioning imho… his elixir turns him into a woman - Sister Hyde, played by the wonderfully cast Martine Beswick. And what a great looking woman she is - and she also looks kind of like Ralph Bates, which can’t have been an easy thing to pull off. So fair play her to then. And because it’s the 70’s, we also get to see her fondle her breasts a bit. Fair play to her again. Apparently the drop dead gorgeous Caroline Munro turned down the part because of this brief nude scene. So the opposite of fair play to her then.

Dr Jekyll is now in turmoil (as was I when I almost got caught dressed as woman in the East End of London. But that’s another story) and he finds himself spiralling downwards ever downwards into an abyss of corpse-snatching, mutilations, murders and mistakenly ordering ladies undergarments. Again, behaviour which I must profess to being all too familiar with.

When his bodysnatching accomplices Burke and Hare get lynched, Dr Jekyll resorts to finding his own victims - the prostitutes of London’s old east End. This being the late Victorian era, it’s soon becomes clear that Dr Jekyll is in fact, doing the deeds that we know ascribe to Jack the Ripper.

Whoah! I hear you say. Jack the Ripper? Burke and Hare? Surely they were years apart? Surely Burke and Hare were actually from Edinburgh now that you come to think of it? Well yes, I must confess you’re spot on. In fact this peculiar discrepancy in time and place is listed as a ‘goof’ in IMDB. But I say piff and poppycock to this - a goof? Come on, it’s a work of genius! Jack the Ripper and Burke and Hare appearing together in a Hammer Horror is just as it should be. This is Hammer world remember folks, not the real world. And the two are very different places. For example when was the last time you walked through a forest at night and the sun was shining?

And because it’s Hammer world we’re in, it’s not too long until an angry mob appears from nowhere intent on dishing out some vigilante justice to the devilish Dr J and/or Sister H. He/she escapes, but instead of hailing a Hansom cab and making a swift exit, he (I’ve decide he’s a he) decides to climb up onto a very high and very unsafe roof.

The end is now on sight. Dr Jekyll only has time to quickly turn into Sister Hyde before falling to his death. The moral of the story as the credits roll is obvious.
DON’T. PLAY. GOD. Christ, how many times do you have to spell it out to these people??

Here's the trailer:

CAPTAIN KRONOS - VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974)

A great film. Dammit, this SHOULD have been the first in a series of raunchy Captain Kronos escapades!

But it wasn't. That was the plan, but poor box office returns - and the demise of Hammer - put paid to it. So while we have a sequel to the likes of 'The Whole Nine Yards' and 'Miss Congeniality', we only have one Captain Kronos to enjoy. And only one season of 'Firefly', which is another travesty - but back to Kronos...

Captain Kronos himself, played by Horst Janson, is gorgeous. Think James Hunt crossed with a James Hunt lookalike:



If I was female, or just a little bit gayer, I'd shack up with CK at the drop of a hat, and roam around the country with him and his hunchback sidekick Grost. This is exactly what the frankly stunning Caroline Munro does in her role as Carla...

... even though it turns out that Captain Kronos is a bit rough on the shagging front. The memory of having to kill his wife and child when they turned into vampires has made him cold and distant. But let's push such bedtime foibles aside and get down to the business of vampire hunting!

A mysterious shadowy figure is stalking the pretty young girls of some typical Hammer countryside. These innocent young maidens end up drained, wizened and haggard looking. Old, ugly and scary! Time and time again we're shocked as a seemingly lovely young damsel turns to face us and YE GODS! She's turned into a scary old hag! I say 'hats off' to the actresses whose job it is to play these old hags actually. Can't be easy for them, because no doubt some of them were lookers back in the day. Then one fine morning, the call from their agent comes in, saying something like, "So then the audience sees the back of this attractive young maiden, who turns round and - bloody hell, it's horrible! It's you! Everyone screams and shits themselves, it's a great part!"

Back to the story. Kronos and co. arrive to team up with Dr. Marcus, an old friend of Kronos. I say team up, they actually end up killing him when he turns into a vampire. Despite being professional vampire hunters it's quite an inept killing as they stake him, then hang him, then try and set fire to him, before he ends it himself with a crucifix. He obviously got bored of them messing about.

Eventually we're led to the local castle...

Hammer Horror Rule #129: Any murders or supernatural goings on will always be down to the residents of the largest house in the locality.

... where a brother and sister and their haggard old mother come under suspicion. What's more, this family have been seen hanging around the grave of their dear departed father. An expert swordsman. As is Kronos. Wouldn't it be great if we get a swordsman showdown finale?

And we do. It ends with Kronos victorious, and dumping Carla (the swine) with the words, "I'm off to fight evil, wherever it may lurk!". As an aside, I once tried splitting up with an old girlfriend using that exact line and still have a 'J' shaped scar on my chin from where she threw a 'Police Academy 5: Assignement: Miami Beach' video at me. But obviously Kronos has much more style than me, and so he gallops of with Grost, into the distance and onto another great adventure. But not another film, unfortunately. Humbug!

RASPUTIN - THE MAD MONK (1966)

Pre-revolutionary Russia. The peasant landlord of a country tavern is nursing his terribly ill wife. Enter Rasputin!

He promptly heals the landlords wife, takes advantage of the landlord’s hospitality to get riotously drunk, has a fight, has a dance, ravages a wench, cuts someones hand off, jumps through a roof onto a waiting horse, shouts “Hurrah!” and gallops away.

Rasputin, as played by Christopher Lee, is basically a Lord Flashheart for the grunge generation. In this historically inaccurate (I assume. I hope!) Hammer offering, we see him cut a swathe through pre-revolutionary Russian society, shagging, drinking, fighting and shouting in an incredibly deep voice as he goes.

Christopher Lee is nothing short of perfect in this role. Tall,loud, athletic, with mad staring eyes and a huge false beard - exactly the kind of guy that you'd make a point of avoiding in bus stops (not that there were any bus stops in pre-revolutionary Russia of course. Which I suspect may have been one of the underlying causes of the revolution. But that's another post).

The film has a fine supporting cast, including everyone’s favourite MILF Barbara Shelley, who falls under Rasputin’s spell and hops into bed with him at any given opportunity, before he casts her aside in the cruellest fashion.

Rasputin gets his comeuppance of course. It’s not easy to take him down though, the hard-as-nails bastard that he is, but goodness prevails, and the Mad, Bad monk is last seen lying twisted and broken on the snow...

... having fallen out of a second story window. After being drugged. And beaten up. And poisoned. And stabbed. And fed loads of chocolates of the poisoned variety.

Personally, I would have added a final scene where Rasputin jumps back up, straightens his beard, swigs a bottle of vodka, jumps on his horse, shouts "Hurrah!" and gallops off. But you can’t have everything I suppose…

REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1958)

There are about 50 Hammer Frankenstein movies, each with almost the same title save for one word, so we have ‘The Evil of Frankenstein’, ‘The Curse of Frankenstein’, ‘The Revenge of Frankenstein', 'The Horror of Frankenstein' etc. etc. You get the picture. In the end they stopped the series, not because of the demise of Hammer, but because they had run out of words to put in the title. The last film ‘The Ambivalence of Frankenstein’, was deemed to be nowhere near scary enough, so production for the ill-fated ‘The Apathy of Frankenstein’ was halted.

All of which is only almost true. So here we have ‘The Revenge of Frankenstein’, where the baron, cunningly disguised by having no disguise, and calling himself ‘Dr. Stein’ is running a successful practice for the wretched, the unwashed and down & outs. It’s not too long until his disguise (or lack of it) is spotted by an eager wannabe assistant, and before long (and with hardly any persuasion) he’s up to his old tricks again. And who's going to complain if a few arms and legs belonging to the down & outs go missing?

For a change, the baron has got hold of a fine looking specimen (played by Michael Gwynn) for his experiment. Surely, then nothing can go wrong this time? The good Baron has even done a test on a chimp prior to his work on the human form. And that test was fine... OH! Except for the chimp turning into a cannibal and eating his wife.

That last sentence bears repeating because it's quite an important one - the chimp turned into a cannibal and ate his wife! This rather alarming fact would surely have been a red flag to most scientists, and SHOULD have been a cause for concern to Baron Frankenstein – especially as every other experiment of his has ended in murderous carnage – but no, he laughs it off. Unwisely as it turns out, because his new creation wanders off and (you're ahead of me here, aren't you?) causes murderous carnage.

Surely the Baron will pay for his crimes THIS time???
Don’t you bet on it - remember, this series has another 15 years to run...

THE KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (1964)

A young man regains consciousness the morning after a party to find all the guests gone and the host, a great friend only hours earlier, telling him to get lost. Next time the man sees his girlfriend, she spits in his face.

Sounds like a fairly typical weekend for me really - and it’s also the premise of ‘The Kiss of the Vampire’ a wonderful classic Hammer Horror. Van Helsing and Dracula are nowhere to be seen, but there are a number of typical Hammer vampire vixens on hand to spice things up – the lovely Tania (played by sultry Scottish seductress Isobel Black) could chomp my bare chest any time...

Don't worry though - there’s a 'Van Helsing' type character named Professor Zimmer, but imagine a Van Helsing gone to seed, drowning his sorrows in brandy and not really giving a toss any more – That’s Zimmer. Luckily, however, for young Gerald Harcourt (the aforementioned party lightweight), Professor Zimmer suddenly gets his act together, apparently forgets that one of his arms has third degree burns, and promptly sets about rescuing Gerald’s damsel in distress from the clutches of the evil Dr.Ravna.

This is a lively and enjoyable Hammer romp – and because there’s no Van Helsing or Dracula, it can actually get away with introducing some surprising and hitherto unknown vampire battling tactics – leading up to a memorable, if rather batty, denoument. Enjoy!

FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (1967)

Directed in 1967 by Hammer hero Terence Fisher, Frankenstein Created Woman is one of the best in the Hammer Frankenstein series. And it's a bloody long series.

Susan Denberg plays Christina, the woman of the title. This was her last ever film – a real tragedy, as she gives a great performance here. And is pretty damn gorgeous. According to IMDB she returned to Austria after becoming immersed in the 60s high life of drugs and sex… damn those horny hippies!



She starts the film as a disfigured barmaid, cruelly taunted by some local Hoorah Henrys - but loved by her boyfriend Hans, a simple, loyal servant with a heart of gold and who wouldn’t harm a fly. Anyway, he gets his head chopped off. It was the fault of the Hoorah Henrys (the swines!) who murdered the local pub landlord (Christina’s dad. The swines!) after he stumbles upon them helping themselves to some free wine.

And so Christina, in a fit of grief, jumps in a river and kills herself. Quick as you like, Dr. Frankenstein captures Hans’ soul and transfers it into Christina’s body. Christina, no longer disfigured, tracks down the obnoxious toffs and gets medieval on their hapless upper-class asses - HURRAH! Before killing herself... BOOOH!

Looks like Baron Frankenstein will have to go back to the drawing board yet again...

DRACULA A.D. 1972 (1972, obviously)

What a freaky scene, man!

A guilty pleasure this one. There's something not quite right watching Dracula commanding his minions to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack. On the other hand, the final fight scene is great set to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack - Baaa raa baa ba baaa! Bee doole oop ba ba ba! Bana dadla daaa! Brilliant.

Johnny Alucard is the strange young man who turns up from nowhere (and looks a bit like Jez from Peepshow)...



Anyway, he co-erces 'the kids' (most of them in their mid-to-late 20's) into a freaky resurrection scene to bring a certain vampire back.

All goes well - but when that square Van Helsing came a calling, dig it - that cat stuck it to The Man!

Or something. I must say Johnny's death was a bit of an anti-climax for me. Fair enough, he's being burnt by sunlight, but there's really no excuse to wander into the bathroom, accidentally pull the shutter to let loads more sunlight in, and then, whilst recoiling from that mishap, accidentally run yourself a bath and fall in it. That kind of thing should be on every good vampire's 'Remember Not To Do' list.

Oh and wow wasn't Stephanie Beacham's chest magnificent! But you'll have to watch the film to check it out, I'm not posting titillating pics here, what do you take me for?

But it was magnificent. You might catch a glimpse of it in the trailer above.