A digitally remastered version of Hammer's The Mummy at the British Museum? August 31st you say? Oh go on then.
Dracula and Night of the Demon on other nights too:
Monster weekend at the British Museum
If you like the idea of watching a girl pissing herself - set to an uplifting string symphony - then ‘Frozen’ is the film for you.
If you like spotting plot-holes and rushing onto IMDB to write 500 words on how stupid it was that jumping off the chair-lift would be the VERY FIRST THING Dan tried... then ‘Frozen’ is also the film for you.
And why not? The acting in ‘Frozen’ is good. And the story is admirable. Admirable in the way that it happily traps itself in a ridiculous, terrifying-but-boring situation, then gamely tries to make a film out of it. Someone once said the secret of film-making was to "Get your man up a tree. Throw rocks at him. Get him down.” And ‘Frozen’ is the most literal interpretation of this that I have ever seen. Only the tree is a chairlift. And the rocks are wolves. And they’re not thrown. But it’s still quite close.
‘Frozen’, or ‘Chairlift!’ as I would prefer it to be called, starts off with three teens arguing, joking, laughing and generally just wasting screen-time until they pull themselves together and get stuck up the Chairlift! But who will survive and what will become of them?
So – what would you do if you were stuck in a chair-lift? That’s the question we all ask when we watch ‘Chairlift!’. If you’d just jump into a pack of wolves without discussing any options then you’ve got a lot in common with Dan, the first of the chairliftees to (spoiler) die in the most hilarious death I think I’ve ever scene. Apart from Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man remake obviously.
... and Jon Voight in The Champ.
It’s worth watching the film purely for Dan's death throes alone, as the poor swine howls at the sight of his broken bone protruding from his leg, and then howls even more at the sight of howling wolves turning up and looking a bit peckish. Then, as he's being eaten, he howls.
The laughs even keep coming after Dan dies, as Parker (the girl) recreates the scene from Dumb & Dumber when Jim Carey licks a frozen pole and gets stuck to it.
Then we’ve got the aforementioned pissing scene and some more incredibly exciting stuff as our hapless heroes come up with some innovative-yet-dumb ways of escaping with varying degrees of success. I won’t spoil it for you, but let’s just say the ending is... not all that exciting.
All in all then, fair play to the film-makers in getting themselves stuck up a metaphorical tree and managing to make it laugh out loud funny. If they make a sequel where 3 teenagers take a wrong turning and somehow manage to get themselves stuck up an actual real tree, getting rocks thrown at them, count me in!
You wake up with no memory. On the TV there is a video of a burly man having rough sex with your prone body. When you go to the toilet, you find yourself pissing blood!!
Yawn - honestly, what’s the big deal? This sounds like a fairly typical Wednesday morning for me, after a Tuesday night out with Big Al from the Accounts Department at work.
It's also one of the many amusing scenes from A Serbian Film, the most shocking film ever made. I can handle watching it because I'm an experienced horror blogger but you, you've got no chance. You'll probably die of shock during the baby shagging scene.
Oh yeah, there's a baby shagging scene where a guy shags a new born baby. Not in real life though, obviously.
But A Serbian Film does have a point. Compare the family at the start of the film - dysfunctional, but happy - with the final scene where they're traumatised, catatonic and have had their lives ripped apart. This is what war does to a family, a country. The message isn't too hard to grasp (like Milo's cock) and what's more the film also looks like it has used the notorious Milgram Experiment as a source of inspiration. So lots of genuine food for thought if you can stop masturbating and/or proclaiming your disgust long enough to think about it.
If you want to watch A Serbian Film, then please do. It’s a full on, unforgettable and blackly (with a capital 'B) humorous cinematic experience. But please don’t blog about it afterwards warning people against seeing it and telling us all how you wish you could wind the clock back and not have to put yourself through it – for our behalf – again. It’s not that bad. Well, it is, but still a lot less painful than watching Mona Lisa Smile for example. All this furore reminds me of the film ‘Funny People’ where a bunch of mental patients end up working in advertising and come up with some fabulous slogans. Their strap-line for the (sadly fictional) horror film ‘The Freak’ goes, “The Freak will fuck you up for the rest of your life!”.
Put it this way, if you’re shocked by the sight of a guy getting killed by an erect penis being thrust into his ocular cavity then A Serbian Film might not be for you. But if this is the case then be warned - you have no sense of fun. And you’ve obviously not been out with me on a Friday night either.
Required further reading to discuss A Serbian Film at dinner parties:
Blood is running from my mouth to the top of my head and dripping up to the ceiling, where all the igloo furniture has somehow been attached. Weird. Hang on…
I’m hanging upside down. Blood is running from my mouth down to the top of my head and dripping down to the floor, where all the igloo furniture is in its rightful place.
My twin brother appears.
“How’s it hanging?” He says.
“Fine, fine.” I reply. “Any plans for today?”
“Oh, let’s see now… killing you and reclaiming my rightful inheritance?”
“Your rightful inheritance?”
“You really don’t remember? Right, listen carefully to this valuable piece of exposition because I’m going to at quite a pace and I don’t like repeating myself. Ready?”
“I can’t think of anything that will make me any more ready than this, so yes.”
“Okay. You and I are twin brothers. I’m Sean Berman and you’re Basil Berman. Daddy is Daddy Berman, founder of Berman Confectionaries and inventor of the Berman Permachoc, remember? Chocolate that doesn’t melt?”
“What’s the point of that?”
“Does there need to be a point? Was there a point in the telephone? The aeroplane? The stylophone? Anyway, it turned out that there was a point because the African and Indian sub-continent loved the stuff. People without fridges, you know?”
“Why didn’t they just buy normal chocolate and eat it before it melted?”
“Here’s why, Basil.” My brother said with a frown (sorry, a sinister smile) as he produced a cattle prod and zapped me between the legs.
“Ow, that smarts!”
“It’s a delayed reaction. Just wait a…”
“FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKK!!!!!” I responded.
“Right then, so if there are no more questions I’ll continue. No? Good. Anyway, poor Daddy died last week in a freak accident involving a vat of chocolate and a psychopathic serial killer son."
"Daddy died a rich man with a large will. A large will that leaves none of his money to his psychopathic serial killer son – me, and all of his money to his goody two shoes can’t-put-a-foot-wrong famous doctor son, Basil…”
“I’m a doctor?” I interrupted, forgetting myself in the excitement. “Of course! I always kneFRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKK!!!!!”
“Don't interrupt... so to claim my rightful inheritance all I need to is kill you and steal your identity.”
“It’s not really your rightful inheritance in that case is it?” I thought, rather than spoke.
“You may speak.”
“But everyone thinks I’m you. Plus, I don't know if you realise this, but this place - the igloo, everything - is just a figment of my imagination.”
“You been having dreams about cops and doctors again Basil? This place is real alright. Does this feel real to you?”
“You see despite my many faults, Daddy still had a soft spot for me and pulled a few strings to arrange for my exile here in Igloo Land rather than a trip to Old Sparky. When you came to visit me in prison I borrowed your identity with the help of a cup of tea laced with LSD-25 and a large fist. It’s a pretty straightforward, easy to understand and not at all far-fetched story really.”
“But why bother coming back here? If everyone thinks you're me you could just claim the inheritance anyway? And the horror films? What do they all mean?”
“ Okay, number one, quit looking for plot-holes, and two, I like horror films. Horror, Sci-Fi, you name it, I'll watch any old shit. Have you ever seen The Deadly Mantis from 1957? It’ll be on in a minute.”
“Can you turn me the right way up to watch it? FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKK!!!!! I'll be fine like this."
Whilst whistling a jaunty yet unfamiliar tune as I shaved myself in the igloo mirror this morning, I couldn't help feeling a sense of foreboding, a sense that something just... wasn't quite right. I looked at my reflection peering out at me through the grubby glass and noticed a small cut on my upper lip. Carefully, I dabbed it with my handkerchief. My reflection didn't, and continued to whistle that unfamiliar tune. Then I realised why the tune was so unfamiliar and I had that sense of foreboding - I can't whistle!
I was given no opportunity to ponder this fact however, as my reflection stuck a fist out of the mirror and punched me square in the face, round about where my nose used to be. "Here's something that doesn't happen every day." I remember thinking to myself as I collapsed unconscious on the floor.
When I came to I was strapped to my bed with my assailant standing over me.
"Dammit, he's good looking!" I thought to myself as I asked him "Who the hell are you?"
"You really don't remember, Basil?" replied my attractive attacker. "What on earth have they done to you? I'm Sean Berman. Your twin brother."
This place gets more like a far-fetched pulp horror novel every day...
And... Basil? What kind of name is that?
"Hey, this TV actually works!" I heard my stunningly handsome twin say as I slipped back into sweet unconsciousness... THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME (1932)
The Most Dangerous Game is the first ever celluloid example of one of my favourite horror sub-genres - humans hunting humans!
However, I don't think that the title is particularly apt when you consider that:
A) Humans aren't as dangerous as leopards or tigers really, are they? Oh, I know that humans have greater intelligence and have done more damage to the planet than any other living creature, but If I was walking through the jungle with a hunting rifle I'd rather come face-to-face with, say, Billy Ray Cyrus than a pissed off panther. But that's probably just me...
B) Is hunting humans really 'The Most Dangerous Game'? What about Snakes & Ladders with real snakes and rickety ladders that have random rungs missing? What about Hungry Hippos with real Hippos? I'm sure there are many other examples.
But I digress. We're in a small passenger ship traversing through dangerous waters as we meet our hero Bob Rainsford, a hunter by trade. One of Bob's chums engages him in a philosophical discussion along the lines of, "Who is the real savage, man who hunts for pleasure or the beast who hunts for necessity? What would you do if the roles were reversed?"
Bob laughs this off with a "Ha, that'll never happen to me! Never happen! Why, what possible set of circumstances could ever..." CRASH!!!! "What was that noise?"
It was the ship crashing. It sinks.
Bob and the captain are the only survivors!
A shark eats the captain.
Bob is the only survivor!
Somehow he manages to swim ashore unharmed. After wandering around for a bit he spots civilisation in the shape of a large, forbidding looking mansion.
The door creaks open and Bob steps inside. A hairy, scary man appears from behind the door. Bob tries to engage him in polite conversation but gets blanked, much to his annoyance. It never seems to register with Bob that this guy might not actually speak English, so thank goodness for the appearance of Count Zaroff to explain that Bob is speaking to Ivan who not only can't speak English but can't speak, being as he is that classic horror film staple, a mute man-servant.
Ivan is actually played by the African-American actor Noble Johnson - making this the earliest known example of a black actor play a Caucasian character.
Count Zaroff cuts a fine figure, I must say. Perfectly groomed facial hair, elegantly tailored suit and with a cigarette holder held just so.
He's foppish and he's fey and has impeccable manners, as he cordially welcomes Bob to his humble abode and has Ivan show him to a room, explaining that he has other guests who have also been shipwrecked. It would appear that Bob has had a stroke of luck finding the mansion. Count Zaroff seems like a really nice guy.
He's quite insane, of course.
Bob freshens himself up (luckily this was the 1930s, in the days before people got traumatised by being in disasters and getting chased by sharks) and meets his fellow shipwreckees; an annoying drunk called Martin Towbridge and his distinctly unannoying sister Eve Towbridge, played by the stunning Fay Wray.
Naturally, Bob makes a beeline for Eve.
Eve seems somewhat unhappy with the situation, and we see Bob surreptitiously sniff his armpit. But it turns out that it's Count Zaroff that is worrying Eve. "Two of our party have gone missing! They were last seen entering Count Zaroff's trophy room!"
"Hic! I'm going with Count Zaroff to his trophy room!" shouts her drunken brother, cheerily.
"Stop bothering me Martin, I'm trying to explain to Bob about people going missing!" she replies.
Anyway, Martin is never seen again. Bob and Eve search for him later that night, and creep into the trophy room. It's full of heads. Human heads!
"Something's not quite right here..." thinks Bob, but he has no time to piece the clues together as Zaroff and Ivan burst in and tie Bob and Eve up.
Zaroff helpfully explains the situation which we knew anyway - Zaroff likes hunting humans. But he recognises Bob as a fellow hunter and asks him if he'd like to join him in his horrifying human hunting hobby. Bob says no, one thing leads to another and before you know it Bob and Eve are running for their lives through the jungle (which you'll recognise as being the same jungle used in King Kong. You may also have recognised the screams of the shipwrecked sailors being the same as the screams of the equally unlucky sailors shaken off a log by Kong).
I almost forgot the rules - If Bob and Eve last until dawn, they're free to go. And Bob's been given a knife. That's all.
"Oh I'm slowing you up I shouldn't have came!" shouts Eve as they come to the edge of a cliff. You can see that Bob is thinking that she's right and he'd have been better off without her, but being a gentleman he keeps quiet about it.
Bob sets a couple of clever traps but Zaroff equally cleverly evades them, the clever count!
He's right behind Bob and Eve now and sets his dogs on Bob! Bob manages to fight one off, but here comes another one! And it's a big bitch!
The remaining few minutes of the film are pretty damn exciting and full of incident. Perhaps I'm being over-cautious in not wishing to give away spoilers for a film that's over 80-years old, but look, it's only an hour long. You should really watch it. And because it's Public Domain I can post a link to the full version here (I think) for your viewing pleasure. So here it is. Enjoy:
Murder the Lover! / Murder the Husband!
You didn't really think we'd allow the passing of legendary comic messiah, *Jack
Davis*, to go by without posting a story, did you? *CHOKE! *But instead of ...