DONKEY PUNCH (2008)

I could have saved this film by introducing a couple of werewolves onto the boat at some stage. Or perhaps have the Zombie Nazi crew of a ghost U-Boat attack the hapless party people. But no. My calls went unanswered and so Donkey Punch remains a massive disappointment.

Donkey Punch isn’t horrific enough to be a horror or thrilling enough to be a thriller. And the rubbish sex scenes in it aren’t even rubbish enough to be soft porn. Good soundtrack though.

Donkey Punch is a stupid movie about stupid people doing stupid things and then making ever more stupider decisions. But here’s the twist - on a boat.

And that’s about it. If anyone tries telling me there’s a lot more to it than that, that it’s about the battle of sexes, or the perils of hedonism, why I’ll give them a donkey punch myself!

I’ve just realised that I’d have to be having sex with them to give them a donkey punch so okay then, maybe not a donkey punch. A slap across the back of the head then.

There’s still time for a run-down of the ‘plot’. So, 3 game northern lasses go to Marbella and meet 3 lads who happen to have the run of a yacht. They go back to the yacht to party. Drugs and sex games follow. Sex game goes wrong (that’s where we get the godawful title of the film from) someone dies...

Horror rule #422 – Any character doing drugs will become either the killer or the killer’s victim.

...everyone goes crazy ape-shit bonkers and runs around in the dark for an hour or so, grabbing weapons, using weapons, over-acting and yelling. To an admittedly bangin’ soundtrack...