You're the proud father of a new son. Congratulations! What's more, things are going particularly well at work. So why are you feeling so uneasy?
Y'know, it's natural for every new father to suspect that his son is the Antichrist so don't despair. Simply take this quick quiz and all will be revealed...
N.B. A print-out of this post makes a thoughtful and useful christening present for other first-time dads!
1. What childcare provisions do you currently have in place for your son?
a) We look after him ourselves of course!
b) 2 days at a local nursery every week – usually Monday and Wednesday.
c) Not quite sure. A sinister woman turned up unannounced one day, so we’ve just let her look after him and take complete charge of running our household.
2. What is your child’s favourite toy or play-thing?
a) A red wind-up racing car called ‘Roary’.
b) A glove puppet in the shape of a cat that he insists on taking everywhere - even to bed!
c) A bloody great Rottweiler that growls constantly.
3. What relationship does your wife have with her son?
a) They are inseparable, laughing and hugging each other constantly.
b) They obviously love each other very much, but when he does something naughty he gets scolded in no uncertain terms.
c) She screams when his name is mentioned and refuses to let him anywhere near her hospital bed.
4. Does your child have any irrational fears?
a) He’s not took keen on the dark, so we’ve installed a night-light.
b) He cried for hours after his last visit to the dentist.
c) Any church. He’s not too keen on Longleat Safari Park either.
5. What are you planning on buying your child for Xmas?
a) A very small piano. Nothing too expensive, mind.
b) A fire-engine.One of those that he can sit on and ride around in. Perhaps a matching helmet too.
c) 7 knives pounded into his chest in the shape of a cross.
No need to worry, you have a perfectly normal boy! Although that doesn’t mean your wife should start balancing precariously on balconies when he’s riding his tricycle nearby.
He’s not the Antichrist. He’s just a very naughty boy.
Sorry, but yes – your son is the Antichrist. However, if it’s any consolation, it’s my problem too. I took a photograph of myself in the mirror and only went and cut my bloody head off! Shall we give him an early Christmas present?
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