SHOCK WAVES (1977)

Day #397

Back in the days before I became The Igloo Keeper, I was a bit of a hooligan - especially when I was with the lads and we had a few beers in us!

I remember one trip we took to the Munich Beer Festival, when we all ended up on stage, shouting “Enger-land! Enger-land!” while we were simulating sex with each other. While we were dressed as prominent members of the Third Reich. If memory serves me right I was Hitler, Fat Daz was dressed up as Goering and Joey the Limp was Goebbels.

It was a great night but we were lucky not to get arrested, in hindsight. Especially as the night in question was 4th September 1939, the day after Great Britain declared war on Germany! Luckily I had incriminating photographs of Karl Fiehler the Mayor of Munich (having group sex with Goering, Goebbels and Hitler at the Munich Beer Festival, coincidentally) and he was able to spirit us away from the enraged crowd so that were all safely back in blighty in time for a spot of breakfast at The Criterion.

But that was a long time ago, and that silly nazi party full of drug addicts, sexual deviants and unhinged twats, has surely long since vanished from our collective memory. Here's a film...

SHOCKWAVES (1977)



Don't believe anyone that tells you Shock Waves is an under-rated classic. It's not.

In fact, it's the worst type of bad film - one that ruins a promising idea. That decent idea is having Nazi Zombies attack a group of holidaymakers shipwrecked on a near-deserted island. But Shock Waves is so disjointed and barely coherent that by the end of the film I was no longer interested, and had drifted away into that land of make believe where Quentin and Eli regularly commission me to re-make under-rated horror classics (that aren't actually under-rated) based on 5 key points. And here they are:

1 More Blood

Shock Waves is a zombie flick without any blood. There should be a law against this, surely? All zombie flicks should have gallons of blood, and a few kilos of entrails thrown in for good measure. Shock Waves has neither. When the zombies attack they grab their victim like they're asking for a dance and slip back underwater with them. How disappointingly unhorrific of them. I understand the film-makers were on a tight budget but come-on, how much does red food-colouring and some cheap sausages cost?

2 Less Daylight

Again, for budgetary reasons I understand most of the filming was done in the day-time. A big mistake, as the zombie nazis lack of decent make-up soon become clear. Get them out of the daylight and make them lurk in the dark and creep around in the shadows like any zombie worth their salt, and we've got a scare factor of x5.5 or even more. It's not rocket science.

3 Less Hyperspace

The piss-poor plotting of Shock Waves means that characters routinely split up from each other without warning and turned up in completely different locations in the next scene with no explanation. This is pretty elementary stuff. So let's just sit down, take a few deep breaths and try to make it clear where the characters are going and why they're going there, rather than flitting about like your last man on 'Asteroids' with a stuck 'Hyperspace' button.

4 Less Waste, More Class

If you're lucky enough to get 2 of the finest ever Horror actors to appear in your film, namely John Carradine and Peter Cushing, write a scene for them! Carradine dies before Cushing even appears in Shock Waves, a great waste. Alternatively, if you're lucky enough to have Peter Cushing in your Horror film with one of the finest speaking voices in the English language, write some dialogue that fills his screen-time (believe me, he'll make your shit sound convincing) rather than have him aimlessly splosh about in knee length water for longer than is seemly for a man of his advancing years.

5 Military Precision
Some genuine nazis, yesterday

At least make your Nazi Zombies act like they've had some semblance of military training. At no point in Shock Waves do we get a sense of impending doom, or even that the Nazi Zombies are working towards any plan. They just kind of shamble about, and appear to bump into their victims almost at random. Horror Screenwriting Template #12 = Put your victims in an enclosed space and surround it by zombies. Simple yet effective.

There you have it then, 5 points to make the remake of Shock Waves a Horror to reckon with. And this time round I'd have Sean Pertwee star in it, he loves getting disembowelled...



... and let's have Brian Blessed as the Boat Captain!



Tune in next week, Iglooists, for my remake of 'Paranormal Activities' with Danny De Vito and Arnold Schwarzenneger...

TWINS OF EVIL (1971)

Day #232

Upon returning to my igloo after a fishing expedition I notice a small object lying outside the igloo. It looks familiar...

Ye gods! It's a lump of flesh!

Ye gods again! It's a nose! A human nose!

Gingerly, I quickly pick it up and throw it as far away as I can. Thankfully it disappears for good down a nearby crevasse(I must get that fixed).

I enter the igloo and look around carefully. Nothing else has been moved. Yet someone is toying with me surely? Someone is following me, leaving me macabre clues... a human nose!? What twisted mind could conceive of such sport?

The mystery becomes clearer when I look in the mirror and notice that my severely frostbitten nose is no longer there. It must have fallen off. Outside somewhere.

"Bollocks." I mutter.


TWINS OF EVIL (1971)

Twins of Evil is a fabulously bloody & bawdy Hammer romp that rather bravely shies away from a simple tale of ‘good versus evil’ and instead manages to create complex characters that perhaps contain shades of both.

Made in 1971, only a year or so after nudity was invented, it’s the third and final instalment of the fairly loose Karnstein trilogy (after The Vampire Lovers and Lust for the Vampire, both from 1970), and it’s simply a fabulous Hammer offering in its own right.

The Twins, Frieda and Maria, are played by Playboy Playmate twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson (who thank god are over the age of consent).

We first see them as they come to stay with their Aunt Katy & Uncle Gustav. It soon becomes clear that rather being Twins of Evil, we have a good twin and a naughty twin. Which would obviously have been a much weaker title, so Twins of Evil it is.

Peter Cushing is in top form as Uncle Gustav - a ruthless Witchfinder General type who leads his religious followers ‘The Brotherhood’ on regular witch-hunts that invariably end with a nubile, innocent, young wench being burned at the stake. We’re also treated to a formidable looking vampire with great hair in Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas).

The clever plot moves along at a rip-roaring pace as blood-drained bodies start to turn up all over the countryside and The Brotherhood roam around unchecked, burning any innocent maiden that takes their fancy, yet rather shamefully being reluctant to visit Castle Karnstein, the real source of evil!

In the meantime, naughty twin Frieda catches the eye of both Count Karnstein AND the resident hero Anton. Where will all this lead to? Will the fact that they’re identical twins lead to any confusion and mistaken identity? You wouldn’t bet it against it would you?

There’s just time for some sexy topless vampire shenanigans before we get to the tremendously bloody final battle at Catle Karnstein.

And I mean bloody. Count Karnstein and his huge henchman aren't in the mood to go quietly, and swords are brandished and axes thrown with a devil-may-care recklessness that just wouldn't be allowed in todays more Health & Safety conscious age. Gallons of bright red Hammer blood is spilled and we get some shockingly graphic deaths - one in particular that comes as a bit of a surprise.

So - one of the best Hammer finales ever, surely? And a fitting end to the Karnstein legacy...

DR TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1965)

Day #22.
Temperature: Freezing.
Weather: Blizzard.
Visibility: Don't know - can't see for the blizzard.

Confined to my igloo with nothing but the endless static on the battered old transistor radio for company. Then - a miracle! An ancient portable TV in the corner (yes, this igloo does have a corner) crackles into life! A message starts to appear! Perhaps this could be a clue as to why I'm here? And how I can get out? I'll fetch a pen and paper. Must write this down. Must record what happens...

DR TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS (1965)

Roy Castle, Kenny Lynch and Alan 'Fluff' Freeman???


Why, it can only be a classic British horror anthology from Amicus!

It's a great title for a horror movie, but I have issues with it. We meet Dr. Terror on a train. We never see his house. So why not call it Dr. Terror's Train of something or other... Horror, Trauma, Doom, whatever... why house???

Anyway, we're on the train. The 7:55 express to Bradley. It's one of those wonderful old fashioned carriages where 6 people could sit together. One of them is the mysterious, bushily eyebrowed Dr. Schreck (Peter Cushing). Schreck means 'terror' in German apparently. Hence the title. Although unless 'house' means 'train' in German, I still have issues with it.

Dr. Schreck whips out a pack of Tarot cards and, what with this being the days before iPods and Nintendo's, he manages to interest the other guys enough to tell each his future... future... future... future...

First up is a promising but disappointing tale called 'Werewolf' in which an architect travels home to a Scottish island to renovate an old house of his, now owned by an odd old lady. It's a bit of a plodder. Next.

The second story is a bit silly. And not in a good way, as Alan 'Fluff' 'Not 'arf' 'Howdy Pop-pickers'Freeman get terrorised by a killer plant. Not as much fun as you'd think.

The third story's a belter! Now we're talking! Biff Bailey (Roy Castle) steals music from an ancient voodoo ritual during a visit to the West Indies. When he performs his new song back in blighty all HELL breaks loose (as a disapproving Kenny Lynch looks on). Marvellous stuff, despite being borderline racist.

Then we come to the fourth and finest installment, the unforgettable 'Disembodied Hand'. Step forward Christopher Lee...

... a harsh, pompous, twat of an art critic who constantly lets everyone know how awful he thinks artist Eric Landor's (Michael Gough) work is. Eric gets his revenge when he fools Lee into praising a work by an unknown artist, who is then revealed to be a chimpanzee! Much hilarity ensues, and Eric should have left it at that really, but he proceeds to rub it in by constantly following Lee to important functions and reminding him of his lapse of judgement. Making monkey sounds at him. Throwing bananas at him, that sort of thing. Eventually Lee snaps and takes his revenge by running the artist down in cold blood. The artist loses his hand. But not for long, as the hand proceeds to stalk poor Christopher Lee!
As an eight year old, this was terrifying stuff indeed. As The Igloo Keeper, perhaps not quite as terrifying. But still fabulous fun!

The final part 'Vampire' features a young Donald Sutherland...

...who suspects his wife is a vampire. I liked it. Very nice twist.

And then we're back in the train carriage as it reaches its destination... where can they be?

I have a bit of a problem with the ending(as well as the title, now that I come to think about it) in as much as - I just don't get. Oh, I realise that it's about not being able to cheat death or something but... why all the palaver? Why all the tales about vampires and werewolves if... ? If you've seen it, and you're not as dumb as me, please explain... you know my address: The Igloo Keeper, Igloo of the Uncanny, Desolate Arctic Wasteland.

REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1958)

There are about 50 Hammer Frankenstein movies, each with almost the same title save for one word, so we have ‘The Evil of Frankenstein’, ‘The Curse of Frankenstein’, ‘The Revenge of Frankenstein', 'The Horror of Frankenstein' etc. etc. You get the picture. In the end they stopped the series, not because of the demise of Hammer, but because they had run out of words to put in the title. The last film ‘The Ambivalence of Frankenstein’, was deemed to be nowhere near scary enough, so production for the ill-fated ‘The Apathy of Frankenstein’ was halted.

All of which is only almost true. So here we have ‘The Revenge of Frankenstein’, where the baron, cunningly disguised by having no disguise, and calling himself ‘Dr. Stein’ is running a successful practice for the wretched, the unwashed and down & outs. It’s not too long until his disguise (or lack of it) is spotted by an eager wannabe assistant, and before long (and with hardly any persuasion) he’s up to his old tricks again. And who's going to complain if a few arms and legs belonging to the down & outs go missing?

For a change, the baron has got hold of a fine looking specimen (played by Michael Gwynn) for his experiment. Surely, then nothing can go wrong this time? The good Baron has even done a test on a chimp prior to his work on the human form. And that test was fine... OH! Except for the chimp turning into a cannibal and eating his wife.

That last sentence bears repeating because it's quite an important one - the chimp turned into a cannibal and ate his wife! This rather alarming fact would surely have been a red flag to most scientists, and SHOULD have been a cause for concern to Baron Frankenstein – especially as every other experiment of his has ended in murderous carnage – but no, he laughs it off. Unwisely as it turns out, because his new creation wanders off and (you're ahead of me here, aren't you?) causes murderous carnage.

Surely the Baron will pay for his crimes THIS time???
Don’t you bet on it - remember, this series has another 15 years to run...

FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1973)

This is one antiques shop you won't catch me in. I like to think I'm an honest guy, but I'd be so nervous about upsetting the proprietor that no doubt I'd accidentally knock a vase over and end up with the hounds of hell on my trail...

... because that's exactly the kind of thing that happens in this shop. Peter Cushing (for it is he) doesn't take too kindly to customers stealing, swindling or pulling a fast one with him. Thing is, it's not too hard to get something for free here, because Mr. Cushing seems intent on having his stock nicked, as he leaves cabinet doors open and disappears into the backroom when the dodgiest of customers are browsing though his nick-nacks. 'Entrapment' it would be called these days, but back in the 70's - before the advent of CCTV - such practices were no doubt fairly common and condoned by the local constabulary.

'From Beyond the Grave' comes from a golden age of British horror anthologies, where 4 or 5 spine-tingling tales would invariably contain a number of legendary actors. Here, apart from Mr. Cushing, we have the pleasure of Donald Pleasence, Diana Dors, Ian Carmichael and the wonderful David Warner to name but a few. There are 4 tales of terror dealing with elementals, mirror demons, very odd couples and dodgy doors... count them as warnings against greed and temptation if you must - but ignore them at your peril!


"You forgot your change! Oh, he's gone..."

FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (1967)

Directed in 1967 by Hammer hero Terence Fisher, Frankenstein Created Woman is one of the best in the Hammer Frankenstein series. And it's a bloody long series.

Susan Denberg plays Christina, the woman of the title. This was her last ever film – a real tragedy, as she gives a great performance here. And is pretty damn gorgeous. According to IMDB she returned to Austria after becoming immersed in the 60s high life of drugs and sex… damn those horny hippies!



She starts the film as a disfigured barmaid, cruelly taunted by some local Hoorah Henrys - but loved by her boyfriend Hans, a simple, loyal servant with a heart of gold and who wouldn’t harm a fly. Anyway, he gets his head chopped off. It was the fault of the Hoorah Henrys (the swines!) who murdered the local pub landlord (Christina’s dad. The swines!) after he stumbles upon them helping themselves to some free wine.

And so Christina, in a fit of grief, jumps in a river and kills herself. Quick as you like, Dr. Frankenstein captures Hans’ soul and transfers it into Christina’s body. Christina, no longer disfigured, tracks down the obnoxious toffs and gets medieval on their hapless upper-class asses - HURRAH! Before killing herself... BOOOH!

Looks like Baron Frankenstein will have to go back to the drawing board yet again...

HORROR EXPRESS (1973)

Horror Express starts with a monster-in-a-box being loaded onto a Trans-Siberian express type train, with messrs Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee taking a keen interest! With that kind of set up, surely it would have been technically impossible for this not to be a great film. And Horror Express does not disappoint.

The wonderful thing about the Cushing and Lee characters is that they’re both exactly how I’d imagine them to be in real life. Lee is very straight-laced, stern, humourless and quite ruthless whereas Cushing is slightly mischevious and playful. Both are of course, absolute gentlemen and thoroughly, utterly, British!



Sequels are obviously the spawn of Satan himself, but I would have loved to see these characters pit their wits against each other again. Perhaps on different modes of transport – train, cruise liner, zeppelin…rickshaw, the possibilities are endless.

Another great thing about Horror Express is the number of baddies to look out for. A marvellous Rasputin-like monk. The police detective who starts acting strangely. And Telly Savalas (in an extended cameo as the leader of a gang of Cossacks) who boards the train, punches Peter Cushing in the knackers and steals the show before (slight spoiler) dying.

Horror Express looks and feels like Hammer film – the inclusion of Lee and Cushing obviously helps a great deal – but it’s not, it’s actually a Spanish production, directed by Eugenio Martin, who had just finished Pancho Villa. And must have stopped Telly Savalas heading back to the U.S. somehow… anyway, it’s a classic - Cushing and Lee, mad monks, monsters in boxes, rampaging Cossacks all in a confined space…Horror Express is a one-way Super Saturday Saver ticket to horror heaven!

DRACULA A.D. 1972 (1972, obviously)

What a freaky scene, man!

A guilty pleasure this one. There's something not quite right watching Dracula commanding his minions to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack. On the other hand, the final fight scene is great set to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack - Baaa raa baa ba baaa! Bee doole oop ba ba ba! Bana dadla daaa! Brilliant.

Johnny Alucard is the strange young man who turns up from nowhere (and looks a bit like Jez from Peepshow)...



Anyway, he co-erces 'the kids' (most of them in their mid-to-late 20's) into a freaky resurrection scene to bring a certain vampire back.

All goes well - but when that square Van Helsing came a calling, dig it - that cat stuck it to The Man!

Or something. I must say Johnny's death was a bit of an anti-climax for me. Fair enough, he's being burnt by sunlight, but there's really no excuse to wander into the bathroom, accidentally pull the shutter to let loads more sunlight in, and then, whilst recoiling from that mishap, accidentally run yourself a bath and fall in it. That kind of thing should be on every good vampire's 'Remember Not To Do' list.

Oh and wow wasn't Stephanie Beacham's chest magnificent! But you'll have to watch the film to check it out, I'm not posting titillating pics here, what do you take me for?

But it was magnificent. You might catch a glimpse of it in the trailer above.