THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS (1957)

Another great performance from 50's Sci-Fi legend John Agar, star of the likes of Tarantula, Attack of the Puppet People, Invisible Invaders, The Mole People, Revenge of the Creature etc. etc. etc. Essential viewing , each and every one...

... as is Brain From Planet Arous, a hugely entertaining movie with John Agar playing Steve, who has the misfortune of being possessed by a brain from another planet who has him cause all sorts of mischief (blowing up aeroplanes, assassinations, that kinda thing) before we reach a marvellous conclusion (do I need to put a spoiler warning on a 50 year old film? If so, I'm about to talk about the ending where the brain - this indestructable being of superior intellect who is about to rule the universe (or so he thinks) - is killed by the subtle and ingenious method of.... bashing it loads of times with a big axe! It really should have saw that one coming.

And so Steve (John Agar) laughs happily with his girlfriend as the end credits roll, blissfully unaware that technically there's a very good chance that he could be tried and found guilty of mass murder, as he's blown up a couple of aeroplanes in flight and offed a Colonel in the US Army! Using a defence of 'a giant brain from another planet took me over' would surely be a bit flimsy?

A couple of other points worth mentioning - the images where Steve goes into killing mode with his freaky metallic eyes and madman's grin are genuinely effective...





... bet those contact lenses hurt though! And the water cooler scene where we see Steve's enlarged face through is a great moment - thanks for the memories Mr. Agar.

THE WOLF MAN (1941)

Surely every Horror blog worth it’s salt has a review of The Wolf Man hiding somewhere?

But here’s the problem… surely ever Horror fan knows all about it anyway? You’ve all spotted the goof where the door opens twice, and you’ve already spent way too long wondering why Bela is telling fortunes minutes before a full moon when he knows he’s a werewolf… and where The Wolf Man’s boiler suit comes from… and where the family resemblance between Calude Raines and Lon Chaney Jnr is supposed to lie?

So, no need for an actual review. I’d just like to suggest, recommend, nay order you to listen to Tom Weaver’s wonderful commentary that adds so much to this timeless classic. It's my favourite Universal Horror, and one that I keep coming back to at least, oh, once a month. When the wind moans dolefully outside and the rain beats it’s weary lament ‘pon your window… AYE! and a Full Moon appears from behind yonder cloud – that’s when The Wolf Man makes his appearance!

Why do I love it so much? Well, I’m a big Larry Talbot fan. He gets a raw deal here, because he selflessly rushes to the aid of a damsel in distress, and manages to fight of a wolf bare-handed (apart from a certain silver topped can of course) – the guy’s a hero! He should be thanked profusely, receive a bravery award and have the run of all the local women. Instead, everyone thinks that ‘there’s something tragic about that young man’ and he turns into a werewolf. With the usual consequences.

But hey, maybe next time I watch it things’ll turn out better for Larry. Maybe Bela will remember what time it is, shut down the fortune-telling booth and take an early night. Maybe.

THE MIST (abridged review) (2007)

Apparently somebody once bet Hemingway he couldn't write a story in 10 words or less. Hemingway managed to produce a haunting, tragic and memorable piece in 6 words:

"For sale. Baby's shoes. Never worn."

Meanwhile, the Four Word Film Review website regularly publishes great film reviews in four words or less. My favourite is a review of Titanic in three words. "Icy Dead People".

It's in the spirit of such fine examples of brevity that my abridged review of The Mist will be 3 words long...

Naturally, it will contain spoilers.

If you haven't seen the film and are still reading, you really should look away now. Because here it is. My review of The Mist:

Should. Have. Waited.

WICKED LITTLE THINGS vs THE BUBBLEGUM GANG

I’ve just caught ‘Wicked Little Things’, or ‘Zombies’ as it has been renamed for the UK. I’d re-name it again, to ‘Little Shits', because these mini-monsters are the nastiest pint-sized psychos since The Bubblegum Gang made their appearance in 'Hostel'.



Which begs the question – who would win in a fight between Wicked Little Things and The Bubblegum Gang? Well, let’s take it step by step…

WEAPONRY
Both gangs go ‘old school’ with their weapons of choice. No Uzis or Rambo hunting knives here, just solid old fashioned spades, bats, bricks and bottles - used to devastating effect:
WLT: 7 TBG: 7

NUMBERS
I counted 16 Wicked Little Things at one point. The Bubblegum Gang are around half that number, BUT they do have that one with the wonky eye who’s twice the size of everyone else. He must be in his mid-20’s at least:
WLT:9 TBG:8

RESPECT FOR ADULTS
Both gangs have despatched adults before with relatively little problems. However, The Bubblegum Gang lost one of their own by way of Mr. Big’s pistol, so:
WLT: 9 TBG: 7

NIGHT AND DAY
Wicked Little Things, being of a supernatural bent, thrive in night-time. The Bubblegum Gang are equally effective day or night, and from what I can gather, don't go to school:
WLT: 5 TBG: 10

DRESS SENSE
Neither gang’s strong point. The Bubblegum Gang almost pull of their retro Eastern-European shabby chic look, but the Wicked Little Things look like rejects from Mary Poppins with badly smeared make-up. The overall effect is a bit like a melted waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby. Not that anywhere would have a waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby these days. Anyway:
WLT: 4 TBG: 6

ABILITY TO FLY
Neither gang has this ability. Not too sure why I’ve included this as a category come to think of it:
WLT: 0 TBG: 0

VERDICT: THE BUBBLEGUM GANG BY A LANDSLIDE! Although probably best not to mention landslides to the Wicked Little Things. Sore subject.

MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH (1964)

‘Sticks & stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,’ goes the old saying. Someone obviously forgot to tell Prince Prospero (Vincent Price) in Masque of the Red Death because his words can REALLY hurt. Has there ever been a better put down than this, for example?

Scarlatti arrives late at Prospero’s castle and begs him for sanctuary from the Red Death.

Scarlatti: Take my wife! I give her to you to do what you please!

Prospero: I've already had that doubtful pleasure.

Not exactly the reply Scarlatti was hoping for, surely. For in less than 10 words Prospero has:

a) Brazenly admitted to Scarlatti that he’s shagged his missus.
b) Told him that she was rubbish anyway.
and c) Turned down Scarlatti's request for sanctuary, thus giving him a virtual death sentence.

But that’s not all. Prospero then grabs a crossbow and shoots Scarlatti through the neck. Making it the greatest put-down ever, because he has:

a) Brazenly admitted to Scarlatti that he’s shagged his missus.
b) Told him that she was rubbish anyway.
c) Turned down Scarlatti's request for sanctuary, thus giving him a virtual death sentence.
and d) Followed all that up with extreme violence.

Masque’s is Price’s finest hour (in my expert opinion). His delivery of each and every line is deliciously macabre and impeccably sinister - look out for his conversation about God with Jane Asher on the battlements of his castle (“Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear? Her eyes are sown shut…”). What a voice.

And also look out for his hot MILF wife played by Hazel Court (that’s ‘hot’ as in ‘sexy’, and not ‘hot’ as in ‘I’ve-just-branded-myself-with-an-upside-down-crucifix’).




Wonderful acting, great source material, lavish set-designs... Masque truly has everything for horror and non-horror fans alike. Even a midget burning a man in a gorilla costume. He deserved it though.

REEKER (2006)

When it comes to enjoying a horror movie, I don't mind cheesy dialogue. Cliches are fine. AWFUL titles are cool. Uneven acting is no problem. Plot holes - nonsensical plots - obvious twists - love 'em all! And I can happily admit to all this because I had a pretty good time watching 'Reeker', despite the aforementioned faults.

Maybe I enjoyed it because I felt that it had a touch more imagination that the usual 'teens in peril' flicks currently doing the rounds at your local multiplex. Even though it's a 'teens in peril' flick....

Not only that - but the teens are in peril at a stranded motel!

Not only that - but one of the teens is a blind boy. With an incredible sense of smell!

Not only that - but there's no signal on the cell phones!

Not only that - but the radio is picking up weird, sinister voices!

And so the cliches continue... but, like any half decent episode of 'The Twilight Zone', 'Reeker' is just one of those films that you gotta watch until the very end...even though you kinda know the end might not be worth it.

It all unravels in the last 20 or so minutes, in enjoyably spectacular fashion, and with some wonderfully awful dialogue (what about 'I'm from Johannesburg - I don't scare easily'. No? Ok then, what about 'If you smell him - fire!') and a blind boy falling of a camper van. Whether you find this funny probably tells you more about yourself then you’d like to admit.*

And the ending - well, it's a 'twist'. I'll say no more. I urge you to accept it, or you could waste a lot of time going back through the film and thinking about the plot holes... oh, and the sequel’s shit.

*It’s really funny.

FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (1967)

Directed in 1967 by Hammer hero Terence Fisher, Frankenstein Created Woman is one of the best in the Hammer Frankenstein series. And it's a bloody long series.

Susan Denberg plays Christina, the woman of the title. This was her last ever film – a real tragedy, as she gives a great performance here. And is pretty damn gorgeous. According to IMDB she returned to Austria after becoming immersed in the 60s high life of drugs and sex… damn those horny hippies!



She starts the film as a disfigured barmaid, cruelly taunted by some local Hoorah Henrys - but loved by her boyfriend Hans, a simple, loyal servant with a heart of gold and who wouldn’t harm a fly. Anyway, he gets his head chopped off. It was the fault of the Hoorah Henrys (the swines!) who murdered the local pub landlord (Christina’s dad. The swines!) after he stumbles upon them helping themselves to some free wine.

And so Christina, in a fit of grief, jumps in a river and kills herself. Quick as you like, Dr. Frankenstein captures Hans’ soul and transfers it into Christina’s body. Christina, no longer disfigured, tracks down the obnoxious toffs and gets medieval on their hapless upper-class asses - HURRAH! Before killing herself... BOOOH!

Looks like Baron Frankenstein will have to go back to the drawing board yet again...

YOU MUST BE JOKING! BRITISH COMEDY GREATS DO HORROR...

Nicole Kidman looks like she's seen a ghost...



1. ERIC SYKES - The Others (2001)

2. TERRY THOMAS - The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

3. ROY KINNEAR - Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

4. ARTHUR LOWE - Theatre of Blood (1973)

5. RIK MAYALL - An American Werewolf in London (1981)


Now I know that at least a couple of these actors have appeared in other Horror films, but can you think of ANY OTHER British comedy legends that have 'done' Horror?