SACRILEGE ! My list of classics that leave me cold...

I've just read a great, insightful, review of ‘Suspiria’on another blog. It was so good that I really wish I could get to grips with Argento's work, but it just leaves me cold. And it got me thinking, what other renowned ‘classics’, if I’m being honest, I really don’t get? Well, here they are in a handy Top 5 format:

1. NIGHT OF THE LEAVING DEAD – I know, I know. But I can’t get over some of the bad acting in it. I think this might be the first time I’ve admitted it, but NOTLD has never done it for me. I’ve got it on a shelf, but it remains largely unwatched.

2. SUSPIRIA – At the risk of repeating myself, once again I can’t get over how woeful some of the acting is. There’s bad dubbing, a ludicrously dated look and sound throughout, and a too-sudden ending. Sorry.

3. DRACULA (1931) – I know I’m not alone in finding this hard going. But I’m probably alone in not really rating Lugosi’s performance.

4. THE WICKER MAN – Apart from the ending, where’s the horror?

5. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – I was incredibly excited when I got the chance to watch this as a 9 year old. But as the end credits rolled I was like, “Where was the gore?”. So I went outside and killed a dog. Joke.

CITY OF THE DEAD (1960)

I love the mist - completely over the top but great fun! No, no, no! I'm not talking about this year's 'The Mist', you've got it all wrong! I'm talking about the wonderfully thick, dense, spooky mist in Horror Hotel. Check out the trailer (between 15 and 20 seconds to be exact)...



Or should it be fog? What's the difference between mist and fog anyway? Tell you what, let's talk about this another time, because before you lose interest I must tell you that 'City of the Dead' (or 'Horror Hotel' in the US - don't get me started on why films feel the need to change titles)is a wonderful, eerie little treasure from 1960.

It starts with a witch, Elizabeth Selwyn, getting burned to a cinder back in 1692. Fast forward to the modern day (with a rather fetching Be-Bop Beatnik Jazz soundtrack)where a young student, Nancy, is advised by her tutor (none other than Christopher Lee)to travel to the village of Whitewater to continue her research...

...which takes us to Whitewater - bring on the mist! Or fog. Whatever, it's all over the place - making it quite difficult to see the damn place - but also making it wonderfully, fantastically (in the original sense of the word) spooky!

And things don't get any less spooky when Nancy checks into the hotel, where the owner (played to sinister perfection by Patricai Jessel)bears an uncanny resemblance to one Elizabeth Selwyn... and turns out to be, well - that would be telling. Suffice to say that some genuinely shocking things do happen to some good people. And we're treated to a great ending with witches running around on fire - Bravo!

So if you're a fan of terrible tales - or extreme weather conditions - check in to Horror Hotel. But be warned - you'll be dying to leave!!! Myooohahahaa!Myoohhaahaaaa Myooo...COUGH COUGH!COUGH!!!... damn, that bloody fog gets everywhere...

THE MIST (full review) 2007

Somebody (possibly Trotsky, although I have my doubts) once said that any civilised society is only three square meals away from revolution. Well, it’s not even that long if you’re in 'The Mist' – this lot seem to go ‘Lord of the Flies’ on each other’s asses within the space of an extended coffee break.

Being trapped in a supermarket, attacked by giant bugs and nasties… it’s a situation that gets you thinking, "How would I cope?" And I’ve decided that I’d cope very well, using #1 in my list of Horror Safety Tips, which reads, “Hide.” For there are very few situations in Horror movies where hiding is not the best option - take 'Night of the Living Dead' for example – if everyone had followed Mr. Cooper’s advice and hid in the cellar, they’d have been fine.

In the case of the supermarket in ‘The Mist’, the solution is simple. I’d have made a little cubby hole behind the beans in the canned food aisle, took in a pillow, a portable TV, some cans of beer and maybe some porn, and stayed put until I got rescued. No need to make dumb-ass ‘heroic’ excursions to the Pharmacy next door for an elastoplast and get everyone killed.

As for the film itself, well, filming a lot of panicky people with a handheld camera does not mean you’ve made a post 9/11 allegory. It just means you’re not very original. And let’s talk about the CGI monsters - goddamn, they’re awful. In fact, has there ever been a decent CGI monster? King Kong? Gollum? Not for me, thanks. I want my monsters to be made out of something with more substance than a few computer pixels. And so too, apparently, did the actors in The Mist, as they struggled laughably to react to something that wasn’t there.

The Mist harkens back to the Golden era of Stephen King films i.e. when they weren’t very good, and were more often than not taken from short stories and stretched out way too long to make a movie. Resulting in the jarring timescales that I’ve mentioned above. The Mist should either have been a half hour ‘Tales from the Crypt’ TV episode, or a TV series. As a 2 hour movie, it simply doesn’t work.

And the lead actor Thomas Jayne doesn’t help. He’s wooden, lacks personality, delivers his lines without any feeling at all, and WORST OF ALL bears an uncannily resemblance to Christopher Lambert. Where did they find this guy? Marcia Gay Harden as baddie-cult-leader-madwoman Mrs. Carmody is wonderful, but even so, this film remains firmly in Maximum Overdrive territory.



And the ending… the ‘controversial ending’… what did YOU think? If you laughed out loud and then thought “Christ, why didn’t he just WAIT?”, then join the club - you’re on the same wavelength as me!

MANIAC COP (1988)

We trust in cops to protect us, so the idea of one running amok is truly the stuff of nightmares and Horror movies. Unless you’re a regular on London Public Transport of course.

Maniac Cop hails from more innocent times – 1988 to be exact – and stars our favourite chin Bruce Campbell. Time hasn’t been to kind to Maniac Cop though, and it has the feel of a dated made-for-TV movie.

Great poster and memorable tagline though:



Sure, it's showing its age - aren't we all? But Maniac Cop has it has its moments if you’re a fan of the genre. And those moments, unsurprisingly, revolve around a maniac cop killing people in ways that only a maniac would, which obviously makes the general public a trifle uneasy.

But who is he, this Maniac Cop? Not Bruce Campbell, surely? Is Maniac Cop EVEN ALIVE??? And will he get to the mayor to exact his revenge? (spoiler: yes, he does) And will there be 2 sequels??? And are they worth watching? I haven’t seen them yet but I suspect they will be. Not good, but worth watching - so expect a review, perhaps even more in-depth than this one, in the not-too-distant future...

HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER 2 (1988)

Anyone else think the female Cenobite was quite sexy? Go on, admit it!

Anyway - Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 - Horror perfection! My God this is how to make a Horror sequel. Bigger, Better and Badder all round. There’s some seriously NASTAY stuff going on here.

Any dimwit that’s bought into the media ‘torture porn’ hype - about modern Horrors being worse than ever – need only watch some of the wonderfully revolting set-pieces in this film to realise ‘twas ever thus. You got madmen slashing themselves to ribbons, you got skinless people writhing around in pools of blood, you got babies sewing their own mouths shut, and there's blood spurting and pouring from, well just about everywhere, and skinless people finding skin again but then being skinned again and heads being drilled, injections being injected, YES - this is a VERY naughty film.

And it’s aged quite well. Thanks, I reckon, to the amazing costumes, set designs, and great music. There’s a touch of dodgy stop-motion near the end but give me dodgy stop-motion over dodgy CGI any day of the week.

And Pinhead’s not in it as much as you remember. But he’s not the real baddie of the piece anyway. Step forward Julia, the rotter! Played to perfection by Clare Higgins.
The story? Well there’s an asylum, a mute puzzle-solving girl, a mad doctor, Julia, a labyrinth, Uncle Frank, Leviathan, Cenobites, and lots of running around… you remember, don’t you? So do yourself a serious favour and pay this another visit... Why, it’ll tear your soul apart!!! Or make you go eewwww a few times, at least.

THE KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (1964)

A young man regains consciousness the morning after a party to find all the guests gone and the host, a great friend only hours earlier, telling him to get lost. Next time the man sees his girlfriend, she spits in his face.

Sounds like a fairly typical weekend for me really - and it’s also the premise of ‘The Kiss of the Vampire’ a wonderful classic Hammer Horror. Van Helsing and Dracula are nowhere to be seen, but there are a number of typical Hammer vampire vixens on hand to spice things up – the lovely Tania (played by sultry Scottish seductress Isobel Black) could chomp my bare chest any time...

Don't worry though - there’s a 'Van Helsing' type character named Professor Zimmer, but imagine a Van Helsing gone to seed, drowning his sorrows in brandy and not really giving a toss any more – That’s Zimmer. Luckily, however, for young Gerald Harcourt (the aforementioned party lightweight), Professor Zimmer suddenly gets his act together, apparently forgets that one of his arms has third degree burns, and promptly sets about rescuing Gerald’s damsel in distress from the clutches of the evil Dr.Ravna.

This is a lively and enjoyable Hammer romp – and because there’s no Van Helsing or Dracula, it can actually get away with introducing some surprising and hitherto unknown vampire battling tactics – leading up to a memorable, if rather batty, denoument. Enjoy!

FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1973)

This is one antiques shop you won't catch me in. I like to think I'm an honest guy, but I'd be so nervous about upsetting the proprietor that no doubt I'd accidentally knock a vase over and end up with the hounds of hell on my trail...

... because that's exactly the kind of thing that happens in this shop. Peter Cushing (for it is he) doesn't take too kindly to customers stealing, swindling or pulling a fast one with him. Thing is, it's not too hard to get something for free here, because Mr. Cushing seems intent on having his stock nicked, as he leaves cabinet doors open and disappears into the backroom when the dodgiest of customers are browsing though his nick-nacks. 'Entrapment' it would be called these days, but back in the 70's - before the advent of CCTV - such practices were no doubt fairly common and condoned by the local constabulary.

'From Beyond the Grave' comes from a golden age of British horror anthologies, where 4 or 5 spine-tingling tales would invariably contain a number of legendary actors. Here, apart from Mr. Cushing, we have the pleasure of Donald Pleasence, Diana Dors, Ian Carmichael and the wonderful David Warner to name but a few. There are 4 tales of terror dealing with elementals, mirror demons, very odd couples and dodgy doors... count them as warnings against greed and temptation if you must - but ignore them at your peril!


"You forgot your change! Oh, he's gone..."

THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS (1957)

Another great performance from 50's Sci-Fi legend John Agar, star of the likes of Tarantula, Attack of the Puppet People, Invisible Invaders, The Mole People, Revenge of the Creature etc. etc. etc. Essential viewing , each and every one...

... as is Brain From Planet Arous, a hugely entertaining movie with John Agar playing Steve, who has the misfortune of being possessed by a brain from another planet who has him cause all sorts of mischief (blowing up aeroplanes, assassinations, that kinda thing) before we reach a marvellous conclusion (do I need to put a spoiler warning on a 50 year old film? If so, I'm about to talk about the ending where the brain - this indestructable being of superior intellect who is about to rule the universe (or so he thinks) - is killed by the subtle and ingenious method of.... bashing it loads of times with a big axe! It really should have saw that one coming.

And so Steve (John Agar) laughs happily with his girlfriend as the end credits roll, blissfully unaware that technically there's a very good chance that he could be tried and found guilty of mass murder, as he's blown up a couple of aeroplanes in flight and offed a Colonel in the US Army! Using a defence of 'a giant brain from another planet took me over' would surely be a bit flimsy?

A couple of other points worth mentioning - the images where Steve goes into killing mode with his freaky metallic eyes and madman's grin are genuinely effective...





... bet those contact lenses hurt though! And the water cooler scene where we see Steve's enlarged face through is a great moment - thanks for the memories Mr. Agar.