THE ORPHAN (2009)

Day #445

Today brought a stark reminder that this place can be truly treacherous. Got carried away with excitement, I did, by a rare successful spell of herring fishing at one of my favourite ice holes - blissfully unaware that the weather had turned until an icy blast hit my gonads and I discovered that my visibility was less than 6 foot in front of me.

How I managed to get back to the igloo, god or The Devil only knows, but it was only after many hours of fruitless searching and stumbling into crevasses that I saw the neon flashing sign saying 'Igloo of the Uncanny - 100 yards on the left!' that I knew I was safe.

In the warmth and light of the igloo, I took stock of my faculties and noticed that my left snow shoe had gone missing. This discovery led me to take to my bed for 3 days, howling and screaming in anguish and misery. If you think that was an over-reaction let me explain - my foot was inside that snow shoe, and is also missing. This place really is beginning to annoy me.

The Orphan (2009)




I’ve read some really good reviews of this film (they were delivered to me anonymously down the igloo chimney one night). I can’t quite agree with them though. The Orphans is a very average, very cliché-ridden horror thriller. Compared with all the other really bad modern horror films that are around, I guess that makes it a good horror film hence the favourable reviews. I think.

Put it this way, you can probably guess the plot from the title. And if you haven’t guessed the plot from the title, within 2 minutes of watching the film, when you discover the mother is a recovering alcoholic, you’ve got all the information you need.

The Omen (45%) + The Shining (15%) + The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (40%) = The Orphan

Kate Coleman, played by Vera Farmiga who has a face that really annoys me...



... is a recovering alcoholic and grieving mom who adopts an orphan from an orphanage (it’s the best place to find orphans apparently) run by nuns who obviously have no interest in paperwork or background checks.


Horror Hints #45 – Never adopt a child from a nun.

Oh, but she’s a lovely child! Bright, intelligent and courteous! A delight!

The End

Hang on, I forgot a bit – it turns out that the orphan (they call her Esther rather than ‘the orphan’ in the film, which I think makes sense) can be a right little madam at times.



A right little madam that uses hammers, guns, knives and whatever else she can get her strangely aged looking hands on to murder, maim and cause general mayhem.

Horror Hints #36 – Never become a recovering alcoholic. When someone tries to kill you, nobody will believe you.



All this murderous behaviour means that Lee Remick, sorry, Kate Coleman soon grows to hate and fear Esther. But because she’s a recovering alcoholic nobody believes her. When she speaks about her fears with her husband and psychiatrist they basically just laugh, pull faces and mimic someone swigging from a bottle behind her back.

Thank god then that a bit of internet research by Kate (she Googled 'horror film plot evil children') uncovers a phone number for an Estonian mental hospital...



... resulting in a phone conversation with a nice Estonian with a beard who reveals an okay-ish plot twist along with the information that Esther is a psycho killer. To be fair, the film from this point on does get quite exciting in an obvious sort of way, as Kate rushes back to the family home in a bid to save her husband and daughter from the malevolent mock-minor.



Horror Hints #34 – If you manage to knock out a psycho killer with a gun, take the gun and shoot them in the head. Just to make sure.

And that’s it. Go in with low expectations and you might just find that The Orphan is worth it. And to end on a positive note, the performance by young Isabelle Fuhrman is very, very good. Oh, I almost forgot one...

Horror Hints #82 – If you have children, don’t live in a house right next to an icy lake.

Actually, that probably is genuinely good advice. Take it from me, ice can be dangerous... (hops off into the sunset)

THE WICKER MAN (2006)

You know, here in the Igloo I have gradually grown to have a genuine love of horror films. And I know how easy it is to mock bad examples of the genre. It’s not big and it’s not clever so from now on, I'm refusing to do it.

Anyway, here’s some selected quotes from other people who have watched The Wicker Man:

1. “The minute your hero comes to the rescue dressed as a bear, you should know something has gone horribly awry."

2. “I found the fictional island of Summerisle quite similar to certain parts of North Norfolk, particularly that every thing you ask is received with a blank expression.”

3. “Nicholas cage is just so funny! He should do more comedy!”

4. “He punched 3 females, so what? It was required for the scene. Get over it.”


For some reason this one is my favourite, because a) it’s not trying to be funny and b) the image it manages to create:

5. “After the cinema, my boyfriend was so mad he couldn’t speak about it”

Here are some more words of wisdom:



And finally, "Judo Chop!"

MIRRORS (20008)

Day #1253

I sit here crushed (don't worry, not literally) and despondent. So much hope and excitement cruelly snatched from my grasp!

It all started this morning when I aspied - remarkably - a creature with a human form in the distance! I beckoned to him and he waved back!! I set forth on foot towards him and judged him to be doing the same.

My suspicions were first aroused when he sneezed at exactly the same time as I. And, not long afterwards, I noticed that he discovered his fly was undone at exactly the same time as mine...

There is no mystery here. For you see, my new companion was nothing more than a reflection. Some trick of the light bouncing off a glacier, some prism refracting... or something, what am I, a F*&&%$g scientist???!!!

I apologise. There's no need for me to take it out on you. A film will surely calm me down...


MIRRORS (2008)



My thoughts after watching Mirrors were uncannily similar to my thoughts after I had sex for the first time. I enjoyed it, but deep down I knew it didn't go as well as it could have. And the more I think about it now, the more ridiculous it seems.

Also, I wish the only attractive woman involved didn't get killed half way through.

I digress. Your experience watching Mirrors will depend on a) how much you like Kiefer Sutherland...



and b) how freaked out you are by... mirrors!



Personally, I have a lot of time for Kiefer Sutherland. And as far as mirrors go, well, from a very early age, long before my visage had been ravaged by sub-zero arctic temperatures and malevolent bumble bees, I've been more than a little wary of contemplating my reflection in detail. I can sense something lurking just beyond my peripheral vision you see...

Which reminds me - I got some valuable advice from an old fortune-teller once, shortly before she died. Never look into a mirror in a dark room at midnight she said (or croaked 'neath an increasingly crushed windpipe, rather). For those phantasms beyond your vision are real. And when you stare at your own reflection for too long, there comes a moment when it becomes aware that it is being watched. This is the point when YOU become the reflection...

And so to Mirrors the movie. The plot is all too familiar - an obvious and unimaginative cross between The Shining and The Ring. Basically, an ex-ish alcoholic gets the job of watchman in a spooky old building. Shit happens, and we go on a meandering investigation that revolves a crazed little girl in a mental institution.

An awful lot of Kiefer's screen-time is thus spent in 'research' mode. Which involves him sitting at a desk, looking through endless scraps of paper and making occasional notes. You can tell when he finds out an important piece of information because he shouts 'goddamn!' and punches the nearest wall. It's gripping stuff.

A rare foray away from Kiefer's scrap-book strewn home-office is Amy Smart's death-scene. It's the highlight of the movie, not just because we get to see her fanny (don't worry UK readers - 'fanny' means 'arse' in the U.S (note to my U.S fans - 'arse' is the English for 'ass')) but that she meets a memorably grisly end, murdered by her own reflection as it rips its jaw off, knowing that the same thing would happen to her.

My main problem with Mirrors was that I just didn't buy into the premise. I couldn't find the will to spend time trying to fill in the various plot holes, like figuring out why the demon had to threaten the security guards to get their help? Would a simple 'please get me out of this mirror' have gone amiss?

And so the film ends with our hero desperately trying to escape a burning/collapsing building. Like an awful lot of other horror films.

Ah - I almost forgot about the 'twist' ending. Without giving too much away, it falls into one of the two standard horror film twists (Standard Horror Film Twist #1 - He's actually dead. Standard Horror Film Twist #2 - His 'friend' doesn't exist. He did the murders himself). You can probably guess...

Here's some rare footage of Kiefer Sutherland being asked to do the sequel which will be set on board a pirate ship:

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)

Day #76

I wake up at 7am every day. Light the gas stove. Melt some ice. Drink some of the water, use some to shave and wash.

Make some coffee, get dressed. Then sit and think, "What the hell am I going to do now?" for the next 18 hours until I fall asleep again.

That's not quite true. I hunt and fish every day. I'm quite a successful fisherman and now have several months of frozen fish stashed away in the cold-box in the igloo.

I'm less successful as a hunter, and have only caught one bumble-bee so far.

I also map my surroundings within the force-field. I've noticed changes. Sometimes the force-field is a few feet smaller, and on other ocassions I can walk right past where it was the previous day for several metres. At the moment it measures the same as when I first calculated it. Something tells me if I can find a pattern to its changes it may give me some sort of clue... but a clue to what? To tell you the truth I'm not even sure. All I know is I want out of this godforsaken place. But where would that take me? To a swift execution? Or another solitary trial, stuck in the middle of a desert perhaps?

And why the films? What can they possibly mean? Here comes another. I must be meticulous in recording every minute, every character, every scene. There may be a pattern, may be some vital clue. And so I grab some parchment and an old pencil, and get ready for several hours of intense notation:


MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)


What a pile of shit.

THE CHILDREN (2008)

Day#42987

That last film I watched, 'Eden Lake', affected me no end. My nights are now filled with awful nightmares of murderous kids chasing me through an endless forest.

And now my waking hours are being invaded - haunted even - by ghostly children as the wind that whistles through the igloo now sounds to my fragile mind like children's laughter. Menacing. Mocking. Malevolent. Murderous. And bloody annoying.

So I pray for something to take my mind off this macabre train of thought. I note that I haven't had an old classic horror to watch for a while. Something from the 40's or 50's would be a welcome piece of nostalgia for me to enjoy, for example.

Aha! Here comes today's film, and I think I'm in luck! Unless I'm very much mistaken I can see the faint outline of Boris Karloff appearing through the static...

THE CHILDREN (2008)



My name is The Igloo Keeper and I am a horror fan. I watch 30 or 40 new horror films a year knowing that most of them will be rubbish. I do this because 7 or 8 will be worth watching. A couple will be great.

The Children is directed by Tom Shankland, whose previous film, Waz, you might know by its alternate tiles Wdelta Z or The Killing Gene. Don’t get me started on alternate titles.

Is it any good? Yes. One of the best horrors I’ve seen in a long time in fact. Tom Shankland sure knows how to direct. The cinematography and use of sound in this film is outstanding. You feel that the camera is always placed in the correct – if sometimes unusual – position (one particularly effective aerial outdoor shot springs to mind as we follow a trail of blood). Best of all, he treats the audience with a degree of intelligence. We pass by a table with scissors on it. We pass the table again and notice the scissors are missing – if we’re paying attention that is…

All this wouldn’t count for much if The Children didn’t deliver in the horror department, and thankfully it does. I was genuinely unsettled and creeped out throughout. At one stage I literally felt my spine chill (only to discover an icicle from the igloo roof was dripping down my back).

Creepy children are a horror staple, but some might say they’re a bit of a cliché.

How can you make them scary without being a bit… silly? Well, what Tom (I’ve decided I like him so much I’m going to call him by his first name) does is use restraint. He doesn’t ask them to act spooky or evil. He pretty much gets them to act like kids. And this works because it makes things believable – wonderfully, horrifyingly believable - even when these kids are running around with sharp pointy objects and playing the most peculiar games with dead bodies.

Here’s the plot in brief – a smug couple with a couple of kids arrive at their friends’ remote country home. Their friends are another smug couple with loads of kids. One of the kids gets sick. He goes a bit weird. Slowly, the other kids follow suit. Weirdness turns into a depraved bloodlust for adult flesh! That last line is a bit of an exaggeration, but I like it so I’ll leave it in. There also appears to be some sort of sub-text about abortion and pregnancy that I couldn't quite work out.

In summary then, dear reader, The Children manages to avoid most horror cliches, and is a genuinely unsettling and scary film made with real skill and flair. This is rare. So please enjoy it.

The only bad thing about the film is the rather lame 'You bought them into this world...' tag-line on the poster and on this trailer. Tom obviously didn't have anything to do with that.

EDEN LAKE (2008)

Day#67

Another blizzard, another day alone in the igloo with my thoughts. Thoughts of childhood, and of my loving mother. A saint, now no longer with us - cruelly taken one fateful day in November 1903.

Some lunatic had attacked her with an axe and hidden her under the woodpile. The same woodpile where I'd often wile away the hours, chopping firewood for the stove.

Life was never the same after mother passed. Father became distant and cold. I think he blamed me for her dying as indeed, did the police and local community. But the murder weapon was never found.

And so I became a loner and would often walk for hours, fishing sometimes at an undiscovered lake some miles within the forest. Nobody else ever came there. It was very deep in parts.

EDEN LAKE (2008)



I’ve watched Eden Lake, so now at least I know I’ll never have to watch it again. It’s not a bad film. Just… grim.

Eden Lake is yet another addition to the kids-terrorising- adults genre (Ils, Funny Games etc.) and also has a lot in common with the pre-slasher 70s Horror/Thrillers such as Deliverance and I Spit on Your Grave, to name two.

Like I said, it’s grim. But I say enough! Enough negativity! Surely there is good to be found in anyone or anything? So let me try and put a positive spin on Eden Lake. It might even have a happy ending...

Eden Lake is the charming tale of a carefree childhood. It follows a gang of great chums and their faithful dog who spend their days cycling around town and roaming through the local woods, having fun and getting into adventures.

One beautiful sunny day the lovable rogues are having fun at the local lake, playing music and kicking a football gently to one another.

But then the girl in the gang feels a pair of eyes prying on her. She thinks nothing of it at first, but then notices an odd looking man and woman further along the lake, staring at them intently. The gang's dog goes to investigate but runs back with its tail between its leg – something is amiss.

Suddenly, the man appears and starts acting aggressively. He grabs the stereo and turns the music off, then unashamedly ogles the girl’s tits. The gang are shocked and upset, and decide to leave.

But the nightmare is only just beginning. One of the gang, Brett, arrives home only to find that the man has followed him, and is lying in wait INSIDE his house! Thankfully Brett’s dad arrives home and the cowardly stalker manages to escape.

Now things take a turn for the worse. That night, as the gang are singing hymns around a camp-fire, the man and woman turn up again. The man attacks and in a fit of cruelty and madness, kills Brett’s beautiful dog!

The gang, acting in self-defence, manage to capture and subdue the man. However, they don’t count on his fiendish female accomplice who turns into some John Rambo wannabe, and picks them off one by one with whatever weapon comes to hand…

Eventually our hero Brett manages to escape her clutches, and arrives home. Sanctuary! Thank God his nightmare is over at last! But look out Brett! The woman is in the house! She has a razor! Brett’s dad is slashed in a vicious attack but survives. The woman will never harm Brett again. He goes to bed, safe and sound…

Sure, Eden Lake is intense at times but it’s still a great, heart-warming feel-good flick for all the family. Go see it!

THE TATTOOIST (2007)

Day #84

A strange dream last night.

I was looking at myself through some sort of screen. Some sort of monitor. Then I noticed other screens...

Hundreds of other screens looking at different igloos. Different people.

I saw a clown watching a comedy film...

A young couple watching a romantic comedy...

Then it all went black and I heard a voice saying, "Shut down sector 7, psycho-kinetic breach! He's got panoramic vision!"

But anyway, that's not the dream I meant. I had this one right afterwards where I turned up for my first day at a new job, looked down and I was just in my underwear! How embarassing - what can it all mean??

THE TATTOOIST (2007)

Watching The Tattooist was about as pleasurable as getting red hot needles stuck under my skin for an hour and a half. If this is what the director intended – some sort of hard hitting allegory to the tattooing process itself - then he’s very clever. If that wasn't his intention, then he’s just made a really shit film.

My suspicions were aroused when I first laid eyes on the unsmiling, brooding hero played by someone called Jason Behr.

An unsmiling, brooding hero invariably means one of two things:
1)That the hero is deeply in turmoil and has faced hardship and tragedy in his life that has forced him to focus on things other than his personal happiness and well-being.
or
2)The guy playing the hero can’t act. And has gone for the brooding look to save him having to show any emotion.

Guess which one my money’s on? Oh, and he's also wearing eye-liner. The last horror film I saw where the hero appeared to be wearing eye-liner for no apparent reason was John Cusack in '1408'. And the less said about that the better.

The director has given this film a sickly glossy sheen that is horribly reminiscint of one of those ‘classic’ Whitesnake videos of a bygone age... or perhaps even an episode of the wonderful but-now-strangely-dated erotic TV series that was Red Shoe Diaries - in fact, a David Duchovny voice-over telling us how he couldn't wait to get his leg over the mysterious Maori girl would not have felt out of place.

What I thought sounded like a promising, original premise turned out be nothing more than the old 'guy steals something/gets involved with a girl from an ancient tribe/bad things happen to him' routine. It’s a classic horror formula that can usually be done and dusted within the confines of a half hour 'Outer Limits' episode. Or 'Buffy', who used to do stuff like this for fun - usually to Xander Harris's misfortune (his penis got diseases from a Schumach tribe).

From the opening salvo of: “He needs a doctor”, “No, he needs a tattoo”, The Tattooist's stilted dialogue is delivered by an array of mediocre actors. Thank God then, that the monotony is finally broken by a laugh-out-loud moment where a chubby psychic kid communicates with the spirits by going into a trance.

How does he go into this trance? Dancing round a camp-fire? Drinking peyote?

No. He sits in the back of a speeding sports car and asks for his favourite Hip Hop track to be played as loud as possible. I haven’t checked yet, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t a standard ancient Maori ritual.

The Tattooist isn't all bad though – actually it is – but I did quite like the look of the black inky demon at the end. However, that might just have been because I was still feeling generous after crying with laughter at the chubby psychic hip-hop kid.

Here's a trailer that makes The Tattooist look better than it is:

THE RUINS (2008)

Day #86
Alarm! The time flickers 04:12 on my trusty digital clock as I hear a noise outside the igloo! My government issue APHSD (Anti-personnel Private Home Security Device) has been triggered!!

I rush outside and sure enough, someone has walked through my piece of string with cans attached.

Then an unwelcome sight – the dog enclosure has been broken into! The dogs are gone, along with my sledge!!

So I really am trapped then. My only means of transport gone. Stolen. But by who? Or what??

Then I remember. I didn’t have any dogs or a sledge.

Or a dog enclosure.

Relieved, I go back inside the igloo, making a mental note to list my provisions, as the TV comes slowly alive and the credits roll (and I remember I don’t have a digital clock either)…

THE RUINS (2008)


There aren’t enough films with scary man-eating plants these days for my liking. Just think how much better Eyes Wide Shut, Mona Lisa Smile or even, I daresay, this year’s Oscar nominated The Reader would have been with the inclusion of a carnivorous hedgerow or two.

So I’ve got an awful lot of goodwill for The Ruins, a film about - scary man-eating plants.

It uses Modern Horror Film Template #1 to start - a group of scantily clad teens go exploring. They meet some unfriendly locals.

Where The Ruins score points for originality is that we’re a-way down in Mexico way.

And the unfriendly locals have surrounded the teens on the roof of a Mayan temple. But why don’t they attack??

Our teens are trapped on the temple roof. What will they do? What plans will they put in place to get rescued?

Or to put it another way, how long would you be able to sit on a roof without breaking your back, smashing your leg and getting stabbed?

I’m not saying our teens are particularly accident prone, but within the space of 5 minutes one of the guys has taken a header down the only, very clearly marked, hole on the roof and broken his back. And there’s soon a girl hobbling around with a huge gash (don’t be crude) in her thigh. It would seem that not only do our teens have to worry about being trapped by hostile locals, they also have to worry about being a bit stupid.

And then the plants start getting frisky. The injured members of the party awake to find their wounds have attracted the local vegetation. Cue much horrible and bloody cutting and pulling of vines from veins.

We’re then treated to a double amputation with a pen-knife. Lovely. Actually, it’s quite funny. Something inside me will always find a bloke with a dodgy German accent pleading for his legs to be cut off deeply hilarious.

I’ve just remembered I was going to try and be nice to The Ruins. So I'm quite happy to admit that yes, I did quite enjoy it. The young cast did a great job, with some impressive acting throughout, and the special effects team certainly know how to shake a plant or two.

I was, however, kinda surprised to discover the source material is a highly praised novel (Scott B. Smith), because the film’s attempt at a back story and character motivation and development seemed distinctly half-arsed. Why didn’t we find out more about the first party of guys whose empty tents were found? Why didn’t we find out a little bit more about the locals? I could understand an answer of ‘we needed to cut to the chase and get the plot moving’, but at the end of the day the plot involved little more than teens standing on top of a Mayan temple having endless unintentionally amusing accidents.

Despite this the fact remains – The Ruins has man-eating plants and is therefore worth watching. Go see it. You never know (awful pun alert), it might grow on you!

THE HAMILTONS (2006)

Day #100

Another bloody cold day here in Igloo Land. A bit like the last 99 days now that I think about it. But! It's sooo goddamn cold today that when I tried urinating outside earlier this morning, it froze in mid-air. I kid you not. It's still there actually, suspended about 2 foot off the ground. Quite pretty. For a lump of gravity-defying frozen piss.

But I digress.

THE HAMILTONS (2006)

I found myself smiling and saying “Ahhh, Beautiful.” at the end of this film. The fact that it’s about a family of apparent serial killers might have you thinking, “Hang on, has The Igloo Keeper gone mad?”... but bear with me. I'll explain.

First of all, I am indeed mad. Certified insane by five doctors in fact. All tragically dead now of course.

However, I must repeat - The Hamiltons is a beautiful film. Strangely moving and touching. And best of all, it doesn’t make you feel stupid after you’ve watched it like, oh, every single modern horror film.

And so to the plot. The Hamiltons are a young family who are struggling to cope with the recent loss of their parents.

We have David, the ‘responsible’ one, twins Darlene & Wendell, the ‘bad ones’, and young Francis, the ‘good guy’.

And one other who shall remain nameless for the time being.

A dysfunctional family like many others then. But one with dark, bloody secrets lurking in the basement… like the two hitch-hikers bound and gagged. Like the other bodies strewn all around like... like cattle.



The Hamiltons takes this promising scenario and skillfully avoids becoming a) a dumb gorefest or b) a dumb comedy-horror. Instead it becomes, well, like I said - a strangely moving, beautifully shot and acted piece of film-making. But that’s just my opinion… you really should see for this yourself.

Hmmm, still can’t stop thinking that I’ve forgotten to mention someone…?

TEETH (2007)

Day #323

A clear day! A chance to venture out and take stock of my new surroundings.
And so I travel due north until - ye gods!
A sign of life! Another igloo!But why this sense of creeping dread?
I soon discover why. Upon further inspection it becomes clear.
It's MY igloo! Igloo of the Uncanny!
I could have sworn I travelled due north. I must have become disoriented. That must be the answer. It MUST be!
Tomorrow if the weather permits, I shall try once again. But until then, another message on the TV to decipher...


TEETH (2007)



Dammit, I had a whole lot of lame puns lined up for this one, but I loved it so much I've decided to spare you. Teeth has a ridiculous premise, of course. But the story is told with such skill we believe it without difficulty. And that, in a nutshell, is the essence of any good Horror story.

Carrie is probably the closest reference point to Teeth If I'm being lazy (and I am). Carrie, with a heavy dose of Cronenbergian body mutation. Mix together with a touch of Braindead style comedy and there you have it - a fine addition to last year's sparse Horror pickings. Deeply funny, and with a wonderful central performance by Jess Wiexler.

Ok, so I've agreed not to laugh at Teeth. So let's laugh at these responses to a request on IMDB for alternate taglines to the movie. Be warned - this is juvenile humour of the worst kind.

Needless to say, if you're easily offended, these may offend you.

And I guess they contain spoilers.

Here goes then. I'm building these up too much, I just know I am:


1. The box that takes cocks. Forever!
2. Eat Pussy! Or I'll eat you!
3. You thought she was on her period and then she realised... it was your blood!
4. This box chomps back!
5. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the vagina!

The best thing about the last one was that it sparked a debate about whether you're legally allowed to use the word vagina on a tagline. Marvellous stuff. IMDB is one of my guilty pleasures but a word of warning - use it sparingly!

DEAD SET (2008)

Dead Set was a 5-part TV special here in the UK earlier this year. That’s right – a zombie TV series! It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. Very good in fact. As it’s the season of goodwill I’m going to be nice to it.

Dead Set revolves around the UK version of reality TV show Big Brother. We’ve had Horror movies based around fictional reality TV shows before (My Little Eye, Wrong Turn 2) but this is a real reality one. If you get my drift. And it’s very well observed indeed. The highlight has surely got to be real-life presenter Davina McCall getting killed. Twice. First as a human, then as a zombie. Very satisfying indeed. To be fair to her, she’s a very good zombie. Still a pain in the arse presenter though.



We follow the inhabitants of the Big Brother house as they attempt to survive a class 4 zombie outbreak, and get their heads around the fact that they’re not on TV anymore. The witty script provides lots of laughs throughout, and the zombie make-up - the most important feature of any zombie film in my not so humble opinion - is pretty damn fine.

Weaknesses? Well, there are no real surprises. No twists or turns. Just a fairly linear plot with the usual zombie cliches i.e. the trip for supplies, the heroic journey to find the loved one... all done in a sub-28 Days Later style, with camera-work so jerky that it makes Paul Greengrass look like a paraplegic. And washed-out colour has its place, but I got a colour TV for a reason, ok?

Oh, and one day someone’s going to have the guts to tell Ray Winstone’s daughter that she can’t really act.

Not me though.

But enough with the negative waves, Moriarty! Dead Set is a worthy addition to the zombie genre. And certainly the finest UK Zombie TV series this year. Put it on your list. If you don't have a list, get one.

CALVAIRE or 'THE ORDEAL' (2004)

Calvaire ('The Ordeal' in English) is a French Horror with elements of black comedy that are so black you won't find them funny. Oh, you'll laugh - but just won't know why. This isn't meant to be a criticism, because I think I might just have witnessed a mini-masterpiece...

... unfortunately the interview with the Director on the DVD extras made me even more confused than I was beforehand. He basically talks at 100 miles an hour in a thick French accent about God knows what. So if you think you may just have grasped the meaning of the film, DO NOT be tempted to listen to this interview!

The premise of The Ordeal is this - imagine if you're James Caan's character in Misery. And you've just been 'hobbled' by Cathy Bates. Then imagine that she's not going to be the worst person that you meet that week-end...

... scary thought. But that's the kind of predicament that young Marc finds himself in. It's a standard horror movie opening. His van breaks down. There's a decrepit looking hotel. He stays the night. But will he ever be allowed to leave?

Sounds like a fairly typical start to a fairly typical horror movie. But the Director has other ideas, and takes us on a macabre journey that merges stunning cinematography, imaginative directing, surreal imagery and some disturbed characters. Doing disturbed things.

You might not want to watch The Ordeal more than once, but nevertheless, parts of it will stay with you... I'm never going to forget the song-and-dance scene in the pub (the worst pub in the world, surely) It's horrifying, mystifying and deeply hilarious. And here it is:



Some sort of warped genius could well be at play here. And the acting is terrific. Especially Laurent Lucas who plays the unlucky Marc - he looks like he must have had quite an ordeal* playing the part. If you're ever knocked unconscious, and come round to discover you're wearing a dress and having your hair hacked off by someone who is calling you 'Gloria' (the name of his ex-wife), then you know you're in trouble...

* Sorry, couldn't help myself.

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY (2008)

Watch Hellboy 2 and it's almost immediately apparent that it has been made with love, talent and respect by an artist - possibly a genius. The result is a great film that looks amazing.

There you go Hollywood. That’s all it takes – THAT’S ALL! So please, no more Hancocks. Or Van Helsings. Or Daredevils. Or My Super Ex-Girlfriends. Or League of Extraordinary Gentlemens. Or Van Helsings.

I realise I said Van Helsing twice there but I REALLY hate that fecking thing!

Hellboy 2 is great though. Why, I feel giddy with excitement having just watched it. I want to shout it from the roof-tops like the name of my first love! And, unlike my first love, I know that Hellboy 2 will never leave me for the school football captain and tell everyone I have a small penis.

Tell us about the film, pencil-dick! I hear you cry. Fair enough then. Hellboy 2 looks stunning. Jaw-droppingly stunning. The fights are bone-crunchingly spectacular. The humour – and there’s lots of it – is rib-ticklingly funny. The emotional scenes are eye-wateringly sad. Unfortunately, Luke Goss is mind-numbingly awful…

Only joking Luke! Actually, Luke’s fine. However, he’ll always be Luke from Bros to most of us British viewers of a certain age.

So there you have it. Best movie of the year. Hellboy would beat The Dark Knight in a fight easy-peasy. Roll on Hellboy 3.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS (2008)

Unfortunately Zombie Strippers slips over into the realms of good taste a couple of times - but apart from that, it's a riot!

Zombies and strippers - my two favourite things, and since a court order currently prohibits me from being within 150 yards of either, I was looking forward to this movie more than well, someone looking forward to something that they're really looking forward to. And I loved it. My 14-year old self would have loved it even more, but there's not a lot I can do about that.

Zombie Strippers stars Jenna Jameson. Never heard of her. Who is she? I don't watch porn. Who mentioned porn? She's fine in this, and certainly gives it her all - as she does in her many porn films. Erm, I would imagine...

We also have everyone's favourite modern horror stalwart Robert Englund, doing a marvellously camp turn as the strip club owner...



...and generally, everyone is seen to be having a lot of fun with a script that contains some genuine wit and occasionally, intelligence. Yep, seriously! This film isn't as bad or as stupid as it would have you believe, and occasionally it reveals itself (little pun on the stripper motif there )with some rather poetic dialogue. And even some pretty successful attempts at political satire...

...but if you don't care for the sound of all that nonsense, fear not. It won't be long until the scene of Jenna Jameson firing pool balls out of her, her YOU KNOW, and killing a hapless punter. Now that's what I paid to see!

The trailer:

ALIEN APOCALYPSE (2005)

Bruce Campbell saves the world. There, what more do you want?

If you DO want something else well, chances are, you won’t find it in Alien Apocalypse. It’s not so much a ‘B’ movie as a ‘Z’ movie (made for the Sci-Fi TV Channel). There isn’t much evidence of a budget on display anywhere, from the laughable false beards to the crappy special effects to the badly dubbed Bulgarian extras…

But bugger me, it’s a lot of fun. Of course it is – it has Bruce Campbell. Saving the world! Get into the right frame of mind (turn it off) and there are a lot of laughs to be had here, including some great lines from Bruce, delivered in his own inimitable style – which leads to one of the funniest summary executions I’ve ever seen on film.

The story starts in a PlanetoftheApesstyle, with Bruce and his crew returning to earth to find it in ruins, and humanity (i.e. about 12 Bulgarian extras) enslaved. Turns out that some wood-loving (no sexual pun involved) aliens have invaded, and put humanity at work in saw-mills, so that they can transport their precious wood (which is worth it’s weight in diamonds or something) back to their planet.

All of which makes perfect sense to me. Bruce doesn’t take to being enslaved and escapes, goes off on a merry quest to find the president, and returns to wreak some vengeance upon the aliens, which results in an epic, EPIC battle (over 14 extras involved). It’s truly inspiring stuff.

So to summarise then, this film is rubbish and it’s great. It’s awful and it’s marvellous. If you hate it you’re right. And if you love it you’re not wrong. At the end of the day, if the sight of false beard in movies makes your day, as it does mine, then this might very well be the film for you.



PS Here’s a list of goofs from IMDB… shame on them for only listing 5! What the hell are they playing at over there?

Factual errors: With fires and torches burning in the underground holding cell all the time, the people being held there should have suffocated.

Continuity: When the escape hole is begun, it's dug into the wall so that one would have to step up into it, Later on, it’s at floor level.

Revealing mistakes: Obviously fake beards on most of the extras.

Plot holes: The aliens invaded twenty years ago, yet simple gestures such as handshakes have been completely forgotten. Even though much of the cast had to have been alive before the invasion.

Continuity: When the free humans raid the alien camps, the first shot of the humans breaking into the slave camp through a fence is re-used, even though not all of the camps have fences.

DONKEY PUNCH (2008)

I could have saved this film by introducing a couple of werewolves onto the boat at some stage. Or perhaps have the Zombie Nazi crew of a ghost U-Boat attack the hapless party people. But no. My calls went unanswered and so Donkey Punch remains a massive disappointment.

Donkey Punch isn’t horrific enough to be a horror or thrilling enough to be a thriller. And the rubbish sex scenes in it aren’t even rubbish enough to be soft porn. Good soundtrack though.

Donkey Punch is a stupid movie about stupid people doing stupid things and then making ever more stupider decisions. But here’s the twist - on a boat.

And that’s about it. If anyone tries telling me there’s a lot more to it than that, that it’s about the battle of sexes, or the perils of hedonism, why I’ll give them a donkey punch myself!

I’ve just realised that I’d have to be having sex with them to give them a donkey punch so okay then, maybe not a donkey punch. A slap across the back of the head then.

There’s still time for a run-down of the ‘plot’. So, 3 game northern lasses go to Marbella and meet 3 lads who happen to have the run of a yacht. They go back to the yacht to party. Drugs and sex games follow. Sex game goes wrong (that’s where we get the godawful title of the film from) someone dies...

Horror rule #422 – Any character doing drugs will become either the killer or the killer’s victim.

...everyone goes crazy ape-shit bonkers and runs around in the dark for an hour or so, grabbing weapons, using weapons, over-acting and yelling. To an admittedly bangin’ soundtrack...

THE MIST (full review) 2007

Somebody (possibly Trotsky, although I have my doubts) once said that any civilised society is only three square meals away from revolution. Well, it’s not even that long if you’re in 'The Mist' – this lot seem to go ‘Lord of the Flies’ on each other’s asses within the space of an extended coffee break.

Being trapped in a supermarket, attacked by giant bugs and nasties… it’s a situation that gets you thinking, "How would I cope?" And I’ve decided that I’d cope very well, using #1 in my list of Horror Safety Tips, which reads, “Hide.” For there are very few situations in Horror movies where hiding is not the best option - take 'Night of the Living Dead' for example – if everyone had followed Mr. Cooper’s advice and hid in the cellar, they’d have been fine.

In the case of the supermarket in ‘The Mist’, the solution is simple. I’d have made a little cubby hole behind the beans in the canned food aisle, took in a pillow, a portable TV, some cans of beer and maybe some porn, and stayed put until I got rescued. No need to make dumb-ass ‘heroic’ excursions to the Pharmacy next door for an elastoplast and get everyone killed.

As for the film itself, well, filming a lot of panicky people with a handheld camera does not mean you’ve made a post 9/11 allegory. It just means you’re not very original. And let’s talk about the CGI monsters - goddamn, they’re awful. In fact, has there ever been a decent CGI monster? King Kong? Gollum? Not for me, thanks. I want my monsters to be made out of something with more substance than a few computer pixels. And so too, apparently, did the actors in The Mist, as they struggled laughably to react to something that wasn’t there.

The Mist harkens back to the Golden era of Stephen King films i.e. when they weren’t very good, and were more often than not taken from short stories and stretched out way too long to make a movie. Resulting in the jarring timescales that I’ve mentioned above. The Mist should either have been a half hour ‘Tales from the Crypt’ TV episode, or a TV series. As a 2 hour movie, it simply doesn’t work.

And the lead actor Thomas Jayne doesn’t help. He’s wooden, lacks personality, delivers his lines without any feeling at all, and WORST OF ALL bears an uncannily resemblance to Christopher Lambert. Where did they find this guy? Marcia Gay Harden as baddie-cult-leader-madwoman Mrs. Carmody is wonderful, but even so, this film remains firmly in Maximum Overdrive territory.



And the ending… the ‘controversial ending’… what did YOU think? If you laughed out loud and then thought “Christ, why didn’t he just WAIT?”, then join the club - you’re on the same wavelength as me!

THE MIST (abridged review) (2007)

Apparently somebody once bet Hemingway he couldn't write a story in 10 words or less. Hemingway managed to produce a haunting, tragic and memorable piece in 6 words:

"For sale. Baby's shoes. Never worn."

Meanwhile, the Four Word Film Review website regularly publishes great film reviews in four words or less. My favourite is a review of Titanic in three words. "Icy Dead People".

It's in the spirit of such fine examples of brevity that my abridged review of The Mist will be 3 words long...

Naturally, it will contain spoilers.

If you haven't seen the film and are still reading, you really should look away now. Because here it is. My review of The Mist:

Should. Have. Waited.

WICKED LITTLE THINGS vs THE BUBBLEGUM GANG

I’ve just caught ‘Wicked Little Things’, or ‘Zombies’ as it has been renamed for the UK. I’d re-name it again, to ‘Little Shits', because these mini-monsters are the nastiest pint-sized psychos since The Bubblegum Gang made their appearance in 'Hostel'.



Which begs the question – who would win in a fight between Wicked Little Things and The Bubblegum Gang? Well, let’s take it step by step…

WEAPONRY
Both gangs go ‘old school’ with their weapons of choice. No Uzis or Rambo hunting knives here, just solid old fashioned spades, bats, bricks and bottles - used to devastating effect:
WLT: 7 TBG: 7

NUMBERS
I counted 16 Wicked Little Things at one point. The Bubblegum Gang are around half that number, BUT they do have that one with the wonky eye who’s twice the size of everyone else. He must be in his mid-20’s at least:
WLT:9 TBG:8

RESPECT FOR ADULTS
Both gangs have despatched adults before with relatively little problems. However, The Bubblegum Gang lost one of their own by way of Mr. Big’s pistol, so:
WLT: 9 TBG: 7

NIGHT AND DAY
Wicked Little Things, being of a supernatural bent, thrive in night-time. The Bubblegum Gang are equally effective day or night, and from what I can gather, don't go to school:
WLT: 5 TBG: 10

DRESS SENSE
Neither gang’s strong point. The Bubblegum Gang almost pull of their retro Eastern-European shabby chic look, but the Wicked Little Things look like rejects from Mary Poppins with badly smeared make-up. The overall effect is a bit like a melted waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby. Not that anywhere would have a waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby these days. Anyway:
WLT: 4 TBG: 6

ABILITY TO FLY
Neither gang has this ability. Not too sure why I’ve included this as a category come to think of it:
WLT: 0 TBG: 0

VERDICT: THE BUBBLEGUM GANG BY A LANDSLIDE! Although probably best not to mention landslides to the Wicked Little Things. Sore subject.

REEKER (2006)

When it comes to enjoying a horror movie, I don't mind cheesy dialogue. Cliches are fine. AWFUL titles are cool. Uneven acting is no problem. Plot holes - nonsensical plots - obvious twists - love 'em all! And I can happily admit to all this because I had a pretty good time watching 'Reeker', despite the aforementioned faults.

Maybe I enjoyed it because I felt that it had a touch more imagination that the usual 'teens in peril' flicks currently doing the rounds at your local multiplex. Even though it's a 'teens in peril' flick....

Not only that - but the teens are in peril at a stranded motel!

Not only that - but one of the teens is a blind boy. With an incredible sense of smell!

Not only that - but there's no signal on the cell phones!

Not only that - but the radio is picking up weird, sinister voices!

And so the cliches continue... but, like any half decent episode of 'The Twilight Zone', 'Reeker' is just one of those films that you gotta watch until the very end...even though you kinda know the end might not be worth it.

It all unravels in the last 20 or so minutes, in enjoyably spectacular fashion, and with some wonderfully awful dialogue (what about 'I'm from Johannesburg - I don't scare easily'. No? Ok then, what about 'If you smell him - fire!') and a blind boy falling of a camper van. Whether you find this funny probably tells you more about yourself then you’d like to admit.*

And the ending - well, it's a 'twist'. I'll say no more. I urge you to accept it, or you could waste a lot of time going back through the film and thinking about the plot holes... oh, and the sequel’s shit.

*It’s really funny.