SACRILEGE ! My list of classics that leave me cold...

I've just read a great, insightful, review of ‘Suspiria’on another blog. It was so good that I really wish I could get to grips with Argento's work, but it just leaves me cold. And it got me thinking, what other renowned ‘classics’, if I’m being honest, I really don’t get? Well, here they are in a handy Top 5 format:

1. NIGHT OF THE LEAVING DEAD – I know, I know. But I can’t get over some of the bad acting in it. I think this might be the first time I’ve admitted it, but NOTLD has never done it for me. I’ve got it on a shelf, but it remains largely unwatched.

2. SUSPIRIA – At the risk of repeating myself, once again I can’t get over how woeful some of the acting is. There’s bad dubbing, a ludicrously dated look and sound throughout, and a too-sudden ending. Sorry.

3. DRACULA (1931) – I know I’m not alone in finding this hard going. But I’m probably alone in not really rating Lugosi’s performance.

4. THE WICKER MAN – Apart from the ending, where’s the horror?

5. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – I was incredibly excited when I got the chance to watch this as a 9 year old. But as the end credits rolled I was like, “Where was the gore?”. So I went outside and killed a dog. Joke.



I love the mist - completely over the top but great fun! No, no, no! I'm not talking about this year's 'The Mist', you've got it all wrong! I'm talking about the wonderfully thick, dense, spooky mist in Horror Hotel. Check out the trailer (between 15 and 20 seconds to be exact)...

Or should it be fog? What's the difference between mist and fog anyway? Tell you what, let's talk about this another time, because before you lose interest I must tell you that 'City of the Dead' (or 'Horror Hotel' in the US - don't get me started on why films feel the need to change titles)is a wonderful, eerie little treasure from 1960.

It starts with a witch, Elizabeth Selwyn, getting burned to a cinder back in 1692. Fast forward to the modern day (with a rather fetching Be-Bop Beatnik Jazz soundtrack)where a young student, Nancy, is advised by her tutor (none other than Christopher Lee)to travel to the village of Whitewater to continue her research...

...which takes us to Whitewater - bring on the mist! Or fog. Whatever, it's all over the place - making it quite difficult to see the damn place - but also making it wonderfully, fantastically (in the original sense of the word) spooky!

And things don't get any less spooky when Nancy checks into the hotel, where the owner (played to sinister perfection by Patricai Jessel)bears an uncanny resemblance to one Elizabeth Selwyn... and turns out to be, well - that would be telling. Suffice to say that some genuinely shocking things do happen to some good people. And we're treated to a great ending with witches running around on fire - Bravo!

So if you're a fan of terrible tales - or extreme weather conditions - check in to Horror Hotel. But be warned - you'll be dying to leave!!! Myooohahahaa!Myoohhaahaaaa Myooo...COUGH COUGH!COUGH!!!... damn, that bloody fog gets everywhere...


THE MIST (full review) 2007

Somebody (possibly Trotsky, although I have my doubts) once said that any civilised society is only three square meals away from revolution. Well, it’s not even that long if you’re in 'The Mist' – this lot seem to go ‘Lord of the Flies’ on each other’s asses within the space of an extended coffee break.

Being trapped in a supermarket, attacked by giant bugs and nasties… it’s a situation that gets you thinking, "How would I cope?" And I’ve decided that I’d cope very well, using #1 in my list of Horror Safety Tips, which reads, “Hide.” For there are very few situations in Horror movies where hiding is not the best option - take 'Night of the Living Dead' for example – if everyone had followed Mr. Cooper’s advice and hid in the cellar, they’d have been fine.

In the case of the supermarket in ‘The Mist’, the solution is simple. I’d have made a little cubby hole behind the beans in the canned food aisle, took in a pillow, a portable TV, some cans of beer and maybe some porn, and stayed put until I got rescued. No need to make dumb-ass ‘heroic’ excursions to the Pharmacy next door for an elastoplast and get everyone killed.

As for the film itself, well, filming a lot of panicky people with a handheld camera does not mean you’ve made a post 9/11 allegory. It just means you’re not very original. And let’s talk about the CGI monsters - goddamn, they’re awful. In fact, has there ever been a decent CGI monster? King Kong? Gollum? Not for me, thanks. I want my monsters to be made out of something with more substance than a few computer pixels. And so too, apparently, did the actors in The Mist, as they struggled laughably to react to something that wasn’t there.

The Mist harkens back to the Golden era of Stephen King films i.e. when they weren’t very good, and were more often than not taken from short stories and stretched out way too long to make a movie. Resulting in the jarring timescales that I’ve mentioned above. The Mist should either have been a half hour ‘Tales from the Crypt’ TV episode, or a TV series. As a 2 hour movie, it simply doesn’t work.

And the lead actor Thomas Jayne doesn’t help. He’s wooden, lacks personality, delivers his lines without any feeling at all, and WORST OF ALL bears an uncannily resemblance to Christopher Lambert. Where did they find this guy? Marcia Gay Harden as baddie-cult-leader-madwoman Mrs. Carmody is wonderful, but even so, this film remains firmly in Maximum Overdrive territory.

And the ending… the ‘controversial ending’… what did YOU think? If you laughed out loud and then thought “Christ, why didn’t he just WAIT?”, then join the club - you’re on the same wavelength as me!



We trust in cops to protect us, so the idea of one running amok is truly the stuff of nightmares and Horror movies. Unless you’re a regular on London Public Transport of course.

Maniac Cop hails from more innocent times – 1988 to be exact – and stars our favourite chin Bruce Campbell. Time hasn’t been to kind to Maniac Cop though, and it has the feel of a dated made-for-TV movie.

Great poster and memorable tagline though:

Sure, it's showing its age - aren't we all? But Maniac Cop has it has its moments if you’re a fan of the genre. And those moments, unsurprisingly, revolve around a maniac cop killing people in ways that only a maniac would, which obviously makes the general public a trifle uneasy.

But who is he, this Maniac Cop? Not Bruce Campbell, surely? Is Maniac Cop EVEN ALIVE??? And will he get to the mayor to exact his revenge? (spoiler: yes, he does) And will there be 2 sequels??? And are they worth watching? I haven’t seen them yet but I suspect they will be. Not good, but worth watching - so expect a review, perhaps even more in-depth than this one, in the not-too-distant future...



Anyone else think the female Cenobite was quite sexy? Go on, admit it!

Anyway - Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 - Horror perfection! My God this is how to make a Horror sequel. Bigger, Better and Badder all round. There’s some seriously NASTAY stuff going on here.
Any dimwit that’s bought into the media ‘torture porn’ hype - about modern Horrors being worse than ever – need only watch some of the wonderfully revolting set-pieces in this film to realise ‘twas ever thus. You got madmen slashing themselves to ribbons, you got skinless people writhing around in pools of blood, you got babies sewing their own mouths shut, and there's blood spurting and pouring from, well just about everywhere, and skinless people finding skin again but then being skinned again and heads being drilled, injections being injected, YES - this is a VERY naughty film.

And it’s aged quite well. Thanks, I reckon, to the amazing costumes, set designs, and great music. There’s a touch of dodgy stop-motion near the end but give me dodgy stop-motion over dodgy CGI any day of the week.

And Pinhead’s not in it as much as you remember. But he’s not the real baddie of the piece anyway. Step forward Julia, the rotter! Played to perfection by Clare Higgins.
The story? Well there’s an asylum, a mute puzzle-solving girl, a mad doctor, Julia, a labyrinth, Uncle Frank, Leviathan, Cenobites, and lots of running around… you remember, don’t you? So do yourself a serious favour and pay this another visit... Why, it’ll tear your soul apart!!! Or make you go eewwww a few times, at least.



A young man regains consciousness the morning after a party to find all the guests gone and the host, a great friend only hours earlier, telling him to get lost. Next time the man sees his girlfriend, she spits in his face.

Sounds like a fairly typical weekend for me really - and it’s also the premise of ‘The Kiss of the Vampire’ a wonderful classic Hammer Horror. Van Helsing and Dracula are nowhere to be seen, but there are a number of typical Hammer vampire vixens on hand to spice things up – the lovely Tania (played by sultry Scottish seductress Isobel Black) could chomp my bare chest any time...

Don't worry though - there’s a 'Van Helsing' type character named Professor Zimmer, but imagine a Van Helsing gone to seed, drowning his sorrows in brandy and not really giving a toss any more – That’s Zimmer. Luckily, however, for young Gerald Harcourt (the aforementioned party lightweight), Professor Zimmer suddenly gets his act together, apparently forgets that one of his arms has third degree burns, and promptly sets about rescuing Gerald’s damsel in distress from the clutches of the evil Dr.Ravna.
This is a lively and enjoyable Hammer romp – and because there’s no Van Helsing or Dracula, it can actually get away with introducing some surprising and hitherto unknown vampire battling tactics – leading up to a memorable, if rather batty, denoument. Enjoy!



This is one antiques shop you won't catch me in. I like to think I'm an honest guy, but I'd be so nervous about upsetting the proprietor that no doubt I'd accidentally knock a vase over and end up with the hounds of hell on my trail...

... because that's exactly the kind of thing that happens in this shop. Peter Cushing (for it is he) doesn't take too kindly to customers stealing, swindling or pulling a fast one with him. Thing is, it's not too hard to get something for free here, because Mr. Cushing seems intent on having his stock nicked, as he leaves cabinet doors open and disappears into the backroom when the dodgiest of customers are browsing though his nick-nacks. 'Entrapment' it would be called these days, but back in the 70's - before the advent of CCTV - such practices were no doubt fairly common and condoned by the local constabulary.

'From Beyond the Grave' comes from a golden age of British horror anthologies, where 4 or 5 spine-tingling tales would invariably contain a number of legendary actors. Here, apart from Mr. Cushing, we have the pleasure of Donald Pleasence, Diana Dors, Ian Carmichael and the wonderful David Warner to name but a few. There are 4 tales of terror dealing with elementals, mirror demons, very odd couples and dodgy doors... count them as warnings against greed and temptation if you must - but ignore them at your peril!

"You forgot your change! Oh, he's gone..."



Another great performance from 50's Sci-Fi legend John Agar, star of the likes of Tarantula, Attack of the Puppet People, Invisible Invaders, The Mole People, Revenge of the Creature etc. etc. etc. Essential viewing , each and every one...

... as is Brain From Planet Arous, a hugely entertaining movie with John Agar playing Steve, who has the misfortune of being possessed by a brain from another planet who has him cause all sorts of mischief (blowing up aeroplanes, assassinations, that kinda thing) before we reach a marvellous conclusion (do I need to put a spoiler warning on a 50 year old film? If so, I'm about to talk about the ending where the brain - this indestructable being of superior intellect who is about to rule the universe (or so he thinks) - is killed by the subtle and ingenious method of.... bashing it loads of times with a big axe! It really should have saw that one coming.

And so Steve (John Agar) laughs happily with his girlfriend as the end credits roll, blissfully unaware that technically there's a very good chance that he could be tried and found guilty of mass murder, as he's blown up a couple of aeroplanes in flight and offed a Colonel in the US Army! Using a defence of 'a giant brain from another planet took me over' would surely be a bit flimsy?

A couple of other points worth mentioning - the images where Steve goes into killing mode with his freaky metallic eyes and madman's grin are genuinely effective...

... bet those contact lenses hurt though! And the water cooler scene where we see Steve's enlarged face through is a great moment - thanks for the memories Mr. Agar.


Surely every Horror blog worth it’s salt has a review of The Wolf Man hiding somewhere?

But here’s the problem… surely ever Horror fan knows all about it anyway? You’ve all spotted the goof where the door opens twice, and you’ve already spent way too long wondering why Bela is telling fortunes minutes before a full moon when he knows he’s a werewolf… and where The Wolf Man’s boiler suit comes from… and where the family resemblance between Calude Raines and Lon Chaney Jnr is supposed to lie?

So, no need for an actual review. I’d just like to suggest, recommend, nay order you to listen to Tom Weaver’s wonderful commentary that adds so much to this timeless classic. It's my favourite Universal Horror, and one that I keep coming back to at least, oh, once a month. When the wind moans dolefully outside and the rain beats it’s weary lament ‘pon your window… AYE! and a Full Moon appears from behind yonder cloud – that’s when The Wolf Man makes his appearance!

Why do I love it so much? Well, I’m a big Larry Talbot fan. He gets a raw deal here, because he selflessly rushes to the aid of a damsel in distress, and manages to fight of a wolf bare-handed (apart from a certain silver topped can of course) – the guy’s a hero! He should be thanked profusely, receive a bravery award and have the run of all the local women. Instead, everyone thinks that ‘there’s something tragic about that young man’ and he turns into a werewolf. With the usual consequences.

But hey, maybe next time I watch it things’ll turn out better for Larry. Maybe Bela will remember what time it is, shut down the fortune-telling booth and take an early night. Maybe.


THE MIST (abridged review) (2007)

Apparently somebody once bet Hemingway he couldn't write a story in 10 words or less. Hemingway managed to produce a haunting, tragic and memorable piece in 6 words:

"For sale. Baby's shoes. Never worn."

Meanwhile, the Four Word Film Review website regularly publishes great film reviews in four words or less. My favourite is a review of Titanic in three words. "Icy Dead People".

It's in the spirit of such fine examples of brevity that my abridged review of The Mist will be 3 words long...

Naturally, it will contain spoilers.

If you haven't seen the film and are still reading, you really should look away now. Because here it is. My review of The Mist:

Should. Have. Waited.



I’ve just caught ‘Wicked Little Things’, or ‘Zombies’ as it has been renamed for the UK. I’d re-name it again, to ‘Little Shits', because these mini-monsters are the nastiest pint-sized psychos since The Bubblegum Gang made their appearance in 'Hostel'.

Which begs the question – who would win in a fight between Wicked Little Things and The Bubblegum Gang? Well, let’s take it step by step…

Both gangs go ‘old school’ with their weapons of choice. No Uzis or Rambo hunting knives here, just solid old fashioned spades, bats, bricks and bottles - used to devastating effect:
WLT: 7 TBG: 7

I counted 16 Wicked Little Things at one point. The Bubblegum Gang are around half that number, BUT they do have that one with the wonky eye who’s twice the size of everyone else. He must be in his mid-20’s at least:

Both gangs have despatched adults before with relatively little problems. However, The Bubblegum Gang lost one of their own by way of Mr. Big’s pistol, so:
WLT: 9 TBG: 7

Wicked Little Things, being of a supernatural bent, thrive in night-time. The Bubblegum Gang are equally effective day or night, and from what I can gather, don't go to school:
WLT: 5 TBG: 10

Neither gang’s strong point. The Bubblegum Gang almost pull of their retro Eastern-European shabby chic look, but the Wicked Little Things look like rejects from Mary Poppins with badly smeared make-up. The overall effect is a bit like a melted waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby. Not that anywhere would have a waxwork of Terence Trent D’arby these days. Anyway:
WLT: 4 TBG: 6

Neither gang has this ability. Not too sure why I’ve included this as a category come to think of it:
WLT: 0 TBG: 0

VERDICT: THE BUBBLEGUM GANG BY A LANDSLIDE! Although probably best not to mention landslides to the Wicked Little Things. Sore subject.



‘Sticks & stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,’ goes the old saying. Someone obviously forgot to tell Prince Prospero (Vincent Price) in Masque of the Red Death because his words can REALLY hurt. Has there ever been a better put down than this, for example?

Scarlatti arrives late at Prospero’s castle and begs him for sanctuary from the Red Death.

Scarlatti: Take my wife! I give her to you to do what you please!

Prospero: I've already had that doubtful pleasure.

Not exactly the reply Scarlatti was hoping for, surely. For in less than 10 words Prospero has:

a) Brazenly admitted to Scarlatti that he’s shagged his missus.
b) Told him that she was rubbish anyway.
and c) Turned down Scarlatti's request for sanctuary, thus giving him a virtual death sentence.

But that’s not all. Prospero then grabs a crossbow and shoots Scarlatti through the neck. Making it the greatest put-down ever, because he has:

a) Brazenly admitted to Scarlatti that he’s shagged his missus.
b) Told him that she was rubbish anyway.
c) Turned down Scarlatti's request for sanctuary, thus giving him a virtual death sentence.
and d) Followed all that up with extreme violence.

Masque’s is Price’s finest hour (in my expert opinion). His delivery of each and every line is deliciously macabre and impeccably sinister - look out for his conversation about God with Jane Asher on the battlements of his castle (“Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear? Her eyes are sown shut…”). What a voice.

And also look out for his hot MILF wife played by Hazel Court (that’s ‘hot’ as in ‘sexy’, and not ‘hot’ as in ‘I’ve-just-branded-myself-with-an-upside-down-crucifix’).

Wonderful acting, great source material, lavish set-designs... Masque truly has everything for horror and non-horror fans alike. Even a midget burning a man in a gorilla costume. He deserved it though.

REEKER (2006)

When it comes to enjoying a horror movie, I don't mind cheesy dialogue. Cliches are fine. AWFUL titles are cool. Uneven acting is no problem. Plot holes - nonsensical plots - obvious twists - love 'em all! And I can happily admit to all this because I had a pretty good time watching 'Reeker', despite the aforementioned faults.

Maybe I enjoyed it because I felt that it had a touch more imagination that the usual 'teens in peril' flicks currently doing the rounds at your local multiplex. Even though it's a 'teens in peril' flick....

Not only that - but the teens are in peril at a stranded motel!

Not only that - but one of the teens is a blind boy. With an incredible sense of smell!

Not only that - but there's no signal on the cell phones!

Not only that - but the radio is picking up weird, sinister voices!

And so the cliches continue... but, like any half decent episode of 'The Twilight Zone', 'Reeker' is just one of those films that you gotta watch until the very end...even though you kinda know the end might not be worth it.

It all unravels in the last 20 or so minutes, in enjoyably spectacular fashion, and with some wonderfully awful dialogue (what about 'I'm from Johannesburg - I don't scare easily'. No? Ok then, what about 'If you smell him - fire!') and a blind boy falling of a camper van. Whether you find this funny probably tells you more about yourself then you’d like to admit.*

And the ending - well, it's a 'twist'. I'll say no more. I urge you to accept it, or you could waste a lot of time going back through the film and thinking about the plot holes... oh, and the sequel’s shit.

*It’s really funny.



Directed in 1967 by Hammer hero Terence Fisher, Frankenstein Created Woman is one of the best in the Hammer Frankenstein series. And it's a bloody long series.

Susan Denberg plays Christina, the woman of the title. This was her last ever film – a real tragedy, as she gives a great performance here. And is pretty damn gorgeous. According to IMDB she returned to Austria after becoming immersed in the 60s high life of drugs and sex… damn those horny hippies!

She starts the film as a disfigured barmaid, cruelly taunted by some local Hoorah Henrys - but loved by her boyfriend Hans, a simple, loyal servant with a heart of gold and who wouldn’t harm a fly. Anyway, he gets his head chopped off. It was the fault of the Hoorah Henrys (the swines!) who murdered the local pub landlord (Christina’s dad. The swines!) after he stumbles upon them helping themselves to some free wine.

And so Christina, in a fit of grief, jumps in a river and kills herself. Quick as you like, Dr. Frankenstein captures Hans’ soul and transfers it into Christina’s body. Christina, no longer disfigured, tracks down the obnoxious toffs and gets medieval on their hapless upper-class asses - HURRAH! Before killing herself... BOOOH!

Looks like Baron Frankenstein will have to go back to the drawing board yet again...



Nicole Kidman looks like she's seen a ghost...

1. ERIC SYKES - The Others (2001)

2. TERRY THOMAS - The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

3. ROY KINNEAR - Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

4. ARTHUR LOWE - Theatre of Blood (1973)

5. RIK MAYALL - An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Now I know that at least a couple of these actors have appeared in other Horror films, but can you think of ANY OTHER British comedy legends that have 'done' Horror?

Chopping Mall (1986)

I was going to start by comparing Chopping Mall favourably to Robocop and Terminator, but my conscience won’t allow it. You know that Chopping Mall isn’t very good. And I know you know Chopping Mall isn’t very good. So let’s quit the bullshit (or B.S if you’re easily offended) and tell it like it is.

The good bits? Well, the robots are beautifully designed. They’ve got personality, honest! And an apparently keen sense of irony – why else would they say “Have a nice day” after blowing someone’s head off? These robots are good looking rascals, damn them.

And there’s some nice ‘Corman-esque’ humour running through the film. What exactly is ‘Corman-esque’ humour? Well, it’s quite hard for me to explain. It’s like, the kind of humour that is found in Roger Corman films. You’ll find it in this marvellous line half-way through Chopping Mall, “I'm just not used to be chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.” And therein lies the plot…

Some kids have an after hours party in the mall furniture store. The new-fangled robot security guards go a bit haywire after an electrical storm and well, they become a bit over-zealous.

The kids get some guns from the mall gun store and try and defend themselves. Badly. Whenever you see them firing their guns they appear to be either shooting the ground 2 feet in front of them or into the ceiling... then lots of running around ensues. At one stage I swear I saw the backgroung scenery repeating itself, just like the chase scenes in Scooby Doo.

It ends with a big satisfying explosion. But who will survive and what will become of them? That, my friend,would be telling... {laughs manically} {starts coughing}. Sorry.



Horror Express starts with a monster-in-a-box being loaded onto a Trans-Siberian express type train, with messrs Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee taking a keen interest! With that kind of set up, surely it would have been technically impossible for this not to be a great film. And Horror Express does not disappoint.

The wonderful thing about the Cushing and Lee characters is that they’re both exactly how I’d imagine them to be in real life. Lee is very straight-laced, stern, humourless and quite ruthless whereas Cushing is slightly mischevious and playful. Both are of course, absolute gentlemen and thoroughly, utterly, British!

Sequels are obviously the spawn of Satan himself, but I would have loved to see these characters pit their wits against each other again. Perhaps on different modes of transport – train, cruise liner, zeppelin…rickshaw, the possibilities are endless.

Another great thing about Horror Express is the number of baddies to look out for. A marvellous Rasputin-like monk. The police detective who starts acting strangely. And Telly Savalas (in an extended cameo as the leader of a gang of Cossacks) who boards the train, punches Peter Cushing in the knackers and steals the show before (slight spoiler) dying.

Horror Express looks and feels like Hammer film – the inclusion of Lee and Cushing obviously helps a great deal – but it’s not, it’s actually a Spanish production, directed by Eugenio Martin, who had just finished Pancho Villa. And must have stopped Telly Savalas heading back to the U.S. somehow… anyway, it’s a classic - Cushing and Lee, mad monks, monsters in boxes, rampaging Cossacks all in a confined space…Horror Express is a one-way Super Saturday Saver ticket to horror heaven!


DRACULA A.D. 1972 (1972, obviously)

What a freaky scene, man!

A guilty pleasure this one. There's something not quite right watching Dracula commanding his minions to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack. On the other hand, the final fight scene is great set to a freaky-jazz-funk-odyssey soundtrack - Baaa raa baa ba baaa! Bee doole oop ba ba ba! Bana dadla daaa! Brilliant.

Johnny Alucard is the strange young man who turns up from nowhere (and looks a bit like Jez from Peepshow)...

Anyway, he co-erces 'the kids' (most of them in their mid-to-late 20's) into a freaky resurrection scene to bring a certain vampire back.

All goes well - but when that square Van Helsing came a calling, dig it - that cat stuck it to The Man!

Or something. I must say Johnny's death was a bit of an anti-climax for me. Fair enough, he's being burnt by sunlight, but there's really no excuse to wander into the bathroom, accidentally pull the shutter to let loads more sunlight in, and then, whilst recoiling from that mishap, accidentally run yourself a bath and fall in it. That kind of thing should be on every good vampire's 'Remember Not To Do' list.

Oh and wow wasn't Stephanie Beacham's chest magnificent! But you'll have to watch the film to check it out, I'm not posting titillating pics here, what do you take me for?

But it was magnificent. You might catch a glimpse of it in the trailer above.


I caught this on TV last night. For some reason this film had slipped under my radar until now. I think I might have half-heartedly dismissed it as a Dracula film some time ago…

But it’s not. It’s a John Carpenter film and not a very good one. If I could be arsed I’d spend a couple of paragraphs talking about when and how John Carpenter lost it. And when. And why? Perhaps it’s just, as Sickboy’s theory in Trainspotting goes, we all get old and then we can’t hack it anymore. Apart from old Blues musicians. And Helen Mirren.

And so to the film. Donald Pleasence is in it, which is good. He’s a priest who discovers a huge canister with some green 80’s special effects glowing inside. This isn’t a good thing. In fact, it’s the devil!


…anyway, the priest calls in some sub-atomic-or-something scientists and students to set up home in the church, install lots of their equipment and analyse the devil-canister and translate old scripts and all that sort of stuff. Some spooky homeless people, led by Alice Cooper, stare at the church from the pavement (or ‘sidewalk’).

The rest of the film relies on people wandering off on their own, nobody checking on them, nobody deciding to guard the devil-canister, nobody calling the police to remove the staring hobos outside, nobody – including me – apparently knowing what the hell is going on.

The film ends with three different groups of people split up from each other, watching and waiting while the possessed parts of the group do some stuff, again for reasons I can’t explain – why does one woman appear to be pregnant? Why is the large black guy laughing and crying and staring at a mirror? Why are two of the girls standing outside the Chinese guy in the closet? (He’s gay, but there’s no time for me to make a pun).

The film ends, mercifully, when one of the possessed tries to pull the devil through a mirror (or maybe not the devil. If the devil’s in the canister. Oh, I dunno) and one of the good non-possessed girls rushes at her and they both fall through the mirror, which Donald Pleasence smashes. Game Over.

Then there’s a jump-fright ending where the hero wakes up and something horrible’s next to him. He goes over to touch his mirror… credits roll.


Right, now I’m going over to IMDB to find out what was going on, then I’ll come back, change all this to make myself look more intelligent. See you soon!